Hopeless

Why do I even try?
I have been trying for months, years to get my medication situation worked out, but I can't even find a doctor for my psych or other meds.
I've tried to find someone to help me deal with my past, but I can't find a therapist.
I've tried to stop my mothers  voice in my head, but it's still driving me crazy.
My anxiety is so bad that I'm starting to see things that aren't there.
I can't stop feeling the pain. It's part of my everyday life and I'm just so tired.
They say no one really wants to die, but their idiots. No matter what I do I come back to the pain.
The only thing that keeps me from killing myself is the thought of what it would do to my boys, but I really want to die. I'm so tired of living with this pain.