Hopeless

I am broken, I am damaged, I am worthless.  All I hear in my head is Stupid Kasia, Bad Kasia, Weak Kasia.  And I believe it because what evidence do I have to the contraire? I feel self loathing on so many levels.
Yesterday I had dance practice.  If I didn't go, I would be pulled from the competition numbers.  So I danced, alternatively crying and hyperventilating.  As I will on every Monday, Wednesday, and Saturday until March.
I have to take a couple online classes to graduate.  I'm terrified I'll flip out and not be able to complete them and not graduate.  Not that it matters that much.  I won't be going to college next year.
I hate my life. I hate myself. I hate my existence.  Which is just petty and self pitying when you think about all the people who are struggling.
I've never considered suicide to be an option until this past month.  I don't think I'd ever do it, but sometimes I just want peace inside my head so so bad.
I'm in a bad place.  I still have pressure on me.  And I'm realizing my "perfectly stable" family is cracking.  I don't know if it's my fault or not.
So lonely. I never leave the house except for therapy and dance. 

Anyway, assuming no one reads my entries, I'll finish up.  Just venting really I guess. And crying.  But that's a secret.  I never used to cry, I thought I was too strong.