Hopeful
Well I still havn't quit...its been every freaking day, just like all my other journal entries. It makes me think...that it's never going to end. But I know I can't give up hope because I want to be better soooo bad. The other day I was bping and my husband got angry, said I was never going to get better. Blah blash blsh. Then I got so angry that I told him that I am getting better. I used to count calories all the time and make sure I never went past 500. Now I eat 3 meals a day and snacks. I used to wake up every day at 4:30 am and go to the gym. Now I don't really exercise, and when I do its certainly not to lose weight. I used to exercise for at least two hours a day, as hard as I can. Now I am happy just walking and swimming gently, not at all how it used to be. When I told him that, I woke up. I realized that Iam getting better. Yea, I still bp, but now its not about the weight, its just a coping mechanism. I realized how hard it is to stop compulsivly exercising and especially how hard it is to quit counting calories. I have done it! I am recovering. Sure I am taking the tiniest baby-steps imaginable, but maybe thasts because this recovery is going to be my last, and I do not want to relapse again. Before I used to go inpatient, or IOP and be done with it, only to relapse a short time later. I tihnk this recovery is my real one, and since I had my eating disrder for years, It's not just going to be a quick fix. I have been bulimic for 10 years, and I have been an emotional eater/binger since I was 3...20 years. Of course there is no way I can recover quickly. Well now I have hope, and I went grocery shopping yesterday so I can finally start following my meal plan. My goal is no binging and purging for 5 days, I realized I am going to need a lot of support so I will probably be on here more often.
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