Hope springs eternal....now how do I nuke it?
Hope is a treacherous emotion. When I hit the wall in January and had to put myself back together piece by piece, I decided that having hope just wasn't worth it. It was time to deal with the hard facts. I figured it was better to decide it just wasn't ever going to happen, deal with it, and move on. Then if by some miracle it did happen, I would just be pleasantly surprised. That's better than being absolutely crushed month after month, right?
Despite my very best efforts, I have felt hope creeping sneakily back into my heart, bit by bit over the last few months. We went to the RE for the first time a few weeks ago. He looked over our information, test results, etc. then talked to us for a bit. Finally, he looked at me and said "I think you should be an easy case. I don't see any reason that you shouldn't expect to get pregnant." I burst into tears and sure enough, hope burst in in full force...that bitch.
He wants to do an IUI and I felt really great for about 2 days, hope frolicking around inside my heart, tossing flowers and rainbows about with abandon. Then the insurance denied us any coverage. Stabbed through the heart. Without financial help, how will this ever happen? Then my husband offered to use the money he had set aside for a different project - one he'd really been looking forward to and preparing for for several months. Can I just say I love him without question? He is amazing. So hope started rebuilding, throwing in a few cuddly bunnies just for good measure. Then, as is her treacherous way, hope started whispering in my ear, "What if you got pregnant this month, before the IUI? What if it just...happened?"
And before I knew it, I was analyzing my BBT every morning, feeling every little twinge, counting days and wondering where it would be in my body if it was for real...traveling down the tube? trying to find a nice, cushioning spot to spend the next 9 months?
With a week left to go in this heinous little prank of God's, the 2WW, my anxiety is reaching full magnitude. As hope builds, so does anxiety. When is it time to shut hope down, clear out the little springtime party she's been throwing? When do I start putting up those brick walls to contain the blast that will inevitably pull me apart atom by atom? I've only got a week...that's a lot of work. Best get started. Hope, it's eviction time.
But she just doesn't want to leave.
Despite my very best efforts, I have felt hope creeping sneakily back into my heart, bit by bit over the last few months. We went to the RE for the first time a few weeks ago. He looked over our information, test results, etc. then talked to us for a bit. Finally, he looked at me and said "I think you should be an easy case. I don't see any reason that you shouldn't expect to get pregnant." I burst into tears and sure enough, hope burst in in full force...that bitch.
He wants to do an IUI and I felt really great for about 2 days, hope frolicking around inside my heart, tossing flowers and rainbows about with abandon. Then the insurance denied us any coverage. Stabbed through the heart. Without financial help, how will this ever happen? Then my husband offered to use the money he had set aside for a different project - one he'd really been looking forward to and preparing for for several months. Can I just say I love him without question? He is amazing. So hope started rebuilding, throwing in a few cuddly bunnies just for good measure. Then, as is her treacherous way, hope started whispering in my ear, "What if you got pregnant this month, before the IUI? What if it just...happened?"
And before I knew it, I was analyzing my BBT every morning, feeling every little twinge, counting days and wondering where it would be in my body if it was for real...traveling down the tube? trying to find a nice, cushioning spot to spend the next 9 months?
With a week left to go in this heinous little prank of God's, the 2WW, my anxiety is reaching full magnitude. As hope builds, so does anxiety. When is it time to shut hope down, clear out the little springtime party she's been throwing? When do I start putting up those brick walls to contain the blast that will inevitably pull me apart atom by atom? I've only got a week...that's a lot of work. Best get started. Hope, it's eviction time.
But she just doesn't want to leave.
Replies
Wow, what a lovely written journal. I feel like you just pulled out my heart and explained to me everything I feel. I\'m somehow both saddened and comforted that I am not the only one who feels that way. That twinge of hope is so cruel, a wolf in sheep clothing it seems. I think that is the part deep within us that want it to happen so bad, it comes out once in a while in the form of hope, happiness, excitement , then it\'s overtaken by the inevitable (at least in our heads) one line on the pee stick. I hate that line. I really hope that the IUI works for you. I\'m in my wait too for my second, I should be starting my AF soon so I\'m getting the battalion ( aka the let down emotion control) ready in case it doesn\'t happen. I feel my period cramps so I\'m really feeling pessimistic right now. All I can say is enjoy the little glimpses of hope that spring a couple of times a month, I think in the end, that\'s what really keeps us going.
Thanks. It seems like writing it down (or typing, as the case may be) is the only time I can really express what I\'m feeling in a coherent manner. My poor husband was asking me yesterday what was wrong, and very concerned - which isn\'t like him, really. He tends to just duck for cover and wait for it to pass. But he was really persistent in wanting to know what was wrong. And I just couldn\'t say anything because it felt like the dam would burst and I\'d be a blubbering mess. Sometimes I wonder if I should let him read these journals so that he could get a clearer picture of what it\'s like in my head...but then maybe he\'d just become convinced I actually am crazy. :)
I think I should write more things down, it helps to let it out and not bottle it up inside like I\'ve been doing. I\'m sure your hubby can feel that you are upset but sometimes men just don\'t understand the way we feel. We feel like women are made to be mothers, it\'s something that we should be able to do easily and men don\'t have that innate instinct. I think that\'s sweet that he cares so much and wants to know what\'s wrong. Maybe you should show him your journals so he can get a better understanding.
I feel like I could have written those words myself....not so beautifully of course but same concept ;)
Month after month I try to fool myself into thinking that I am in control of my emotions and that if its meant to be it will be. But month after month I feel the twinge of hope and then stabbing in my heart with AF\'s inevitable arrival.
Without hope we can become numb but with hope we crash and break over and over, constantly piecing ourselves back together much like a stained glass window. Never to be the same but hopefully in the end we will be a more beautiful and stronger version of who we were when we started this journey.
Just so you know, I am quite certain that we all are hiding some crazy in us, My hubby is very well aquainted with my crazy, so you\'re not alone!