Home sick today...

I should buy stock in Kleenex, lol!   You should have seen the look on people's faces yesterday when I walked into Walmart and started sneezing, lol (had to get more kleenex).... yeah, I NEED to stay home today, lol.  
Well, I WAS gonna buy a new Christmas tree today because my animals broke the base on my current one; WAS gonna go see "The Hobbit" this afternoon.... but instead, I'm sitting here sneezing all over my keyboard, lol.
This cold is here because my resistance was down during the death and funeral.   I spent so much time crying, that I KNOW I aggravated my sinuses, which allowed germs to just make themselves at home...  Oh well, nothing left to do now but eat lots of soup...  and some cinnamon rolls and hot chocolate, lol... I'll make up for the weight gain on New Year's when I feel good enough to kick off my bicycle training again, lol....
And once again, this is EXACTLY where I need to be.  Because if I hadn't gotten sick, I would have been sitting at my best friend's house, having a Christmas with HER family, and feeling REALLY out of place, sad, lonely...
So instead, today I am sorting out my life, between sneezes, lol.   I mean really, who would have thought that the Mayan calendar for me would be SO RIGHT.   Because I am no longer who I was a year ago, and NOTHING in my life will ever be the same...  And yet it's GOOD....
Ok, so let's talk about the death, the grief, and my current emotional state.  I surprise even myself on the place I'm at emotionally.   That's not to say I'm over the grief... I'm just using it to see things for the way life really is for me.... (please bear with me... I'm gonna repeat myself a little as I explain this)
His Death - I was told 20 years ago, that it would happen a lot like it did.   When he got hurt messing around in our back yard (got a a broken leg while wrestling with his buddy), blood clots developed severely through both his legs due to a genetic defect he didn't know he had... no one knew it existed even, and my X was one of the first people to be diagnosed with it.   The studies they did on him gave the doctors information that led to faster findings that saved other people's lives AND allowed the medical community to be able to create blood vessels, etc., out of a person's own cells...  But it wasn't meant to be for him..... they couldn't operate once they had that knowledge, because the worst of the clots was in the passageway to his lungs (new vessels were growing around it) and to operate would have sent it through and killed him.   But it did save my son's life (he too has it and can control it with just baby aspirin) and my x was able to survive 20 years with it, instead of the 5 to 10 they predicted....
All those years, we prepared.... prepared for it to happen at home... prepared ourselves emotionally... it's the reason why I've lived "in the moment" from that point on... because there might not be a tomorrow... and it's why I could see so many blessings through many hardships, despite having fears... 
GOD IS GREAT...
...because I didn't have to live through the pain of knowing he was dying so quickly... because I didn't have to see how much his mental state was deteriorating... because I didn't have to worry about whether or not it would make him try to kill me again... because I didn't have to worry that the financial burdens would have destroyed everything I needed to survive afterward....
My son said last Monday that my X KNEW he was dying... he spoke about it to our son this past summer.  Those unanswered questions I have... (did he push me away so I didn't have to watch?   Was he really so mentally ill I should have done more?   Was he truly trying to harm me?)... those questions are beginning to fade already... they are no longer part of my present reality.
The death certificate answered some of it...
severe kidney injury - why he'd been "overweight" all those years...
severe liver injury - which he knew about 20 years ago but still drank...
suspected alcohol related hepatitis - that I don't have to worry about having contracted (I've already been checked)...
several alcohol withdrawal, which included the hallucinations, seizures, etc - so that he wasn't totally aware of what was happening to him...
and finally the heart attack, which was quick and stopped his suffering....
And so because I have to sit here and sniffle today, lol... I am thinking about the future.   Because obviously, there's NO going back....
And so the future... I have all these doors opening that lead in all kinds of different directions.   And because I've prepared all these years for THIS moment, I'm able to see those doors, consider those doors... I could move to Wisconsin to be closer to my family and where I would have better opportunities to make money, but leave my son and granddaughter (ok, no)... I could stay here and keep my income/home life as it is for now (maybe, but I don't think so)... I could make career changes here... I could travel... maybe even settle in another state as I grow older.... I could start dating someone who has been asking for a year now (but I won't because he's just like the X - in fact he's an ABSOLUTE NO)... I could start my own business, full time or part time (hmm... that sounds fun!)... WOW, all the doors!
I still grieve... when I think about him, I remember so many good things intermixed with the bad that it makes my eyes tear up and aggravates my sinuses even further... and I see him whenever I notice someone with his build walking down the street, and my heart jumps...   But I'm ready too... I have the COURAGE... I have the STRENGTH... I have the past to show me that whatever life has in store for me, it will be another ADVENTURE.... This is gonna be fun!!!  Hmmm... where to begin... I guess I better start cleaning up (and disinfecting, lol) and organize so I'm ready...
LATER!