Home is never the same

After being deployed serveral times, each time I return home it feels like alittle bit more has died off. Now that I am out, have been for a few years, then emptiness I feel inside, makes me wonder why I am still here. Very few days do I feel like a human being. Most of the time it is a shell of a person trying to make it to the end of the day, just for the next one to come. A couple weeks a ago, i went through a very dark time and seriously though about ending it all. I stopped myself right before the final moment, and told my wife I needed to see the Doctor. It is not easy to talk with them about it, going from one diognoises to another. I take so many pills a day, I have to force myself to eat (no appitite), sexual relations all but gone. Rught now in my life the dark clouds are still overhead and no clear forcast in the future. Am I alone feeling like this or can someone relate?
Well made it to 1pm, lunch is over. I just sat in my office in the dark. Getting to use of the dark. Going through the motions day in day out. The emptiness makes me feel comfortable. Am getting tired of everyone saying "are you ok" I just respond yeah. But if they only knew the turmoil i am facing each day it would scare the shit out of the