Holy week
Holy week is an emotionally hard time for me. First of all, Holy Week in our church (Eastern Orthodox) is grueling and physically exhausting. More so if you have to work hard every day and then go to long Holy Week services every night.
This is my third Holy Week since Dday. Four Holy Weeks ago I was in the deepest part of my affair. The first Holy Week was 11 mos post Dday and it was marked by the deepest emotional experiences I have ever had. (almost) everything from sorrow and despair to finally having hope and being able to experience and receive forgiveness for the first time since Dday. They were some huge huge experiences that were a huge turning point for me in my healing journey. It was on Easter of the year that my priest finally allowed me to receive communion for the first time since Dday.
I am still under penance with the church almost 3 years later. We are starting on year 4 after May 11th. I am still only allowed to receive communion for the 13 major feast days each year and I have to do a lot of preparation which is mainly confession and prayers.
Holy Week, in a way, marks each year for me, although it falls a bit before the actual Dday anniversary. It feels like it marks the year simply because it was when i finally got absolution and confession and it was such a turning point for me. Last Holy Week was the second one since Dday and I was hoping the priest would change my penance. It is hard for me to stand there most weeks and not partake. It hurts and makes me sad. (not saying that is a bad thing necessarily). I struggled with it last year when he didn't change anything. I came to a place of acceptance and surrender over it over time, and I thought I just wouldn't care this year whether he changes anything or not. I suspect that if and when he changes my penance it will be at this time of year. But lo and behold, I am struggling over it again. It feels so hard to face another year of it and I don't know if he will change anything or not. I am beginning to think he won't. That means I will have to wrestle my way back to acceptance and surrender. I am working on that now anyway, every day.
So in addition to the penance issue, this time of year is full of massive amounts of triggers. All kinds of triggers. Triggers of that HW that I was still in the A, triggers of the first emotionally explosive HW, and triggers of dealing with my feelings over the penance again. Add that to the physical exhaustion and you've got a cocktail for what happened last night; emotional meltdown for seemingly no reason. My poor H triggered the meltdown with something that should hardly have upset me at all. I couldn't stop crying. He even asked me if I had anything to tell him. (a consequence of having cheated) Thankfully that was not the case. He asked if I have been taking my menopause meds. (I get emotionally unstable without them) It's odd to be bawling your eyes out and really not know why. It took me a while to figure it out and I think all of the above is really the reason. My heart is just sore right now. Hopefully, by the time we get through the remainder of these very somber and penitent services, I will be ready to enter in to the joyful resurrection celebration of Easter. I've managed to get there the last 2 years so we will go for number 3.
This is my third Holy Week since Dday. Four Holy Weeks ago I was in the deepest part of my affair. The first Holy Week was 11 mos post Dday and it was marked by the deepest emotional experiences I have ever had. (almost) everything from sorrow and despair to finally having hope and being able to experience and receive forgiveness for the first time since Dday. They were some huge huge experiences that were a huge turning point for me in my healing journey. It was on Easter of the year that my priest finally allowed me to receive communion for the first time since Dday.
I am still under penance with the church almost 3 years later. We are starting on year 4 after May 11th. I am still only allowed to receive communion for the 13 major feast days each year and I have to do a lot of preparation which is mainly confession and prayers.
Holy Week, in a way, marks each year for me, although it falls a bit before the actual Dday anniversary. It feels like it marks the year simply because it was when i finally got absolution and confession and it was such a turning point for me. Last Holy Week was the second one since Dday and I was hoping the priest would change my penance. It is hard for me to stand there most weeks and not partake. It hurts and makes me sad. (not saying that is a bad thing necessarily). I struggled with it last year when he didn't change anything. I came to a place of acceptance and surrender over it over time, and I thought I just wouldn't care this year whether he changes anything or not. I suspect that if and when he changes my penance it will be at this time of year. But lo and behold, I am struggling over it again. It feels so hard to face another year of it and I don't know if he will change anything or not. I am beginning to think he won't. That means I will have to wrestle my way back to acceptance and surrender. I am working on that now anyway, every day.
So in addition to the penance issue, this time of year is full of massive amounts of triggers. All kinds of triggers. Triggers of that HW that I was still in the A, triggers of the first emotionally explosive HW, and triggers of dealing with my feelings over the penance again. Add that to the physical exhaustion and you've got a cocktail for what happened last night; emotional meltdown for seemingly no reason. My poor H triggered the meltdown with something that should hardly have upset me at all. I couldn't stop crying. He even asked me if I had anything to tell him. (a consequence of having cheated) Thankfully that was not the case. He asked if I have been taking my menopause meds. (I get emotionally unstable without them) It's odd to be bawling your eyes out and really not know why. It took me a while to figure it out and I think all of the above is really the reason. My heart is just sore right now. Hopefully, by the time we get through the remainder of these very somber and penitent services, I will be ready to enter in to the joyful resurrection celebration of Easter. I've managed to get there the last 2 years so we will go for number 3.
Replies
Hugs to you. I\'m having another bad day ( but in control). Your entry inspired me to remember the meaning about this weekend and when feeling this way take a time out to pray.
I got to learn surrender and acceptance too.
Big hugs.
Well, I talked to the priest tonight. The penance will continue, maybe for years. Gotta keep working on that acceptance. We had a good talk though.
Gabbi, I\'m curious and if you don\'t mind sharing what is this years of penance about? I\'m catholic so totally get the whole penance thing. We believe that once you have confessed you are forgiven. Yes you do penance but not years and years. Part of the healing process is to be able to receive communion. I\'m not trying to be disrespectful but just trying to understand an unforeseeable end to penance which keeps you mired in all of this.
icnu, thanks for asking. I just typed a long response to this and broke my rule that I always copy before sending and wouldn\'t you know it fouled up and disapeared, so now I will try to reconstruct. :-(
I am of a dual mind myself for sure about the penance. For the first 11 months it was pretty intense but since then it is that I take communion only for the 13 great feasts with confession beforehand and special prayers I say the night before communion (which I love) and afterwards. I also have daily penance, which simply amounts to prayer and bible reading, things we all should do.
We also believe that when one repents one is forgiven, especially when one goes to confession and receives absolution. The penances are seen as more medicinal. In the case of a \"sin unto death\" you need a lot more \"medical intervention.\"
I go back and forth about it, because it seems just too long and hard to bear sometimes but I know what Fr is telling me and that other part of me gets it. When I take communion only for the great feasts it is a bigger deal when I take it and do all the things in preparation. It is easy, when taking it every week in a routine kind of way, to take it for granted. So I get that, and Fr has told me that in the past, and even currently in some cultures, penance for this type of sin goes on for decades if not the remainder ones life. So okay, I may just have to find a comfort level with it and accept the \"indefiniteness\" of it.
I have wondered sometimes why I am still so mired. Is it because of the penance? Because of DS? Triggers? I really think it is because my psyche is just doing a bad job of integrating my cheating so I have this constant internal struggle over it. It still hurts me every day. But at least I am not afraid to work alone anymore, or go out in public alone, or cry every day. Progress.
I did get a little insight about it today, though. I have rejection issues, and I think what is making this so hard is that it feels like rejection. That was fine when I was in my self-punishing stages, but now I don\'t want to feel punished and rejected, so I am going to have to find a way to see this from Fr\'s perspective instead of what it feels like to me. I may have to have several talks with him to \"get it\" cause I\'m still not quite there. Thus the grief and tears when I find out it is to continue \"indifinitely.\"