Holy Week
We are Orthodox Christians and we figure the date of Easter a little differently. Our Easter is usually after everyone else's. Our is this coming Sun so we are in holy week. We have a service every night during Holy Week and this year I have decided to go to all of them with H. I haven't done that in years.
I have already been having a hard time these past few days. Emotional and sad. Crying off and on. I am struggling with coming to terms with what I did and feeling so broken and remorseful. I keep wondering if I will ever stop feeling this brokenness and sadness.
Today is our 11 mo anniversary of DDAY.
The Holy Week service last night was so emotional for me because it was primarily about the adulterous woman. The one who anointed Jesus feet with expensive oil and her tears and dried it with her hair. So much of the chanting was poignant and emotional though it did give me hope it also put me into deep deep remorse. Something I had already been going through earlier that day.
Tonight was the service of healing oil. I thought I would get to receive the healing oil. It is applied to the head and hands along with a prayer. I am still not allowed to take communion and I did not realize that the healing oil is on a par with communion and that I would not be allowed. During the service I was listening very closely to the hymns and readings. A part of some of the prayers and readings was about the types of sins and maladies you would come receive the oil for healing from and for forgiveness of sins. Adultery was even mentioned in that and as I was listening to the hymns about healing and forgiveness I began to feel that if I could receive the oil it would be something tangible for me to hold on to and that it would help me to heal and feel more accepting of forgiveness. I began to put hope in it and when I found out I could not participate I was devastated. I could not understand why the church is withholding the things meant for healing and forgivenenss from me when I need them the most. Absolution and the healing oil.
I lost hope for a while. I cried in front of people while my son held me although I don't know how many people noticed because I was kind of out of the way but I think most did. I could not keep it completely quiet. After the sevice the priest and I talked for a long time. He was kind and loving and gently explained why I must wait a little longer and cannot yet participate in the sacraments. I understand now and accept it but I have seriously cried a river these last 2 days and my heart feels like it has been beaten with a tenderizer.
I asked H if I was just gonna bawl my way all the way through all these services. He said i may and if I do that is okay. God is working and he will see me through this. Pain and all. The week after Easter is called Bright Week. I wonder if it will be for me.
My daughters wedding is 16 days away! OI!!!
I have already been having a hard time these past few days. Emotional and sad. Crying off and on. I am struggling with coming to terms with what I did and feeling so broken and remorseful. I keep wondering if I will ever stop feeling this brokenness and sadness.
Today is our 11 mo anniversary of DDAY.
The Holy Week service last night was so emotional for me because it was primarily about the adulterous woman. The one who anointed Jesus feet with expensive oil and her tears and dried it with her hair. So much of the chanting was poignant and emotional though it did give me hope it also put me into deep deep remorse. Something I had already been going through earlier that day.
Tonight was the service of healing oil. I thought I would get to receive the healing oil. It is applied to the head and hands along with a prayer. I am still not allowed to take communion and I did not realize that the healing oil is on a par with communion and that I would not be allowed. During the service I was listening very closely to the hymns and readings. A part of some of the prayers and readings was about the types of sins and maladies you would come receive the oil for healing from and for forgiveness of sins. Adultery was even mentioned in that and as I was listening to the hymns about healing and forgiveness I began to feel that if I could receive the oil it would be something tangible for me to hold on to and that it would help me to heal and feel more accepting of forgiveness. I began to put hope in it and when I found out I could not participate I was devastated. I could not understand why the church is withholding the things meant for healing and forgivenenss from me when I need them the most. Absolution and the healing oil.
I lost hope for a while. I cried in front of people while my son held me although I don't know how many people noticed because I was kind of out of the way but I think most did. I could not keep it completely quiet. After the sevice the priest and I talked for a long time. He was kind and loving and gently explained why I must wait a little longer and cannot yet participate in the sacraments. I understand now and accept it but I have seriously cried a river these last 2 days and my heart feels like it has been beaten with a tenderizer.
I asked H if I was just gonna bawl my way all the way through all these services. He said i may and if I do that is okay. God is working and he will see me through this. Pain and all. The week after Easter is called Bright Week. I wonder if it will be for me.
My daughters wedding is 16 days away! OI!!!
Replies
God Bless you Gab. I know the struggle is hard, and the pain is real, but God IS in control.
GaC
Hang in there. I\'m still new to the recovery process myself, but it seems like we have our good days and bad days. I can totally relate to feeling broken and remorseful, because that describes me perfectly. I think I mentioned in a post yesterday that I have a hard time enjoying myself with my husband because my A is in the back of my mind, eating away at me. Also, I always have a fear that somehow, he will find out about it and things will never be the same again. You are in my thoughts and prayers.