Holiday vents and more...

I am struggling today. It is what we teach our children. I remember as a child that holidays were always something special. That I had to get something for every holiday. I remember as a child that everyone always came together, and that everyone always got something. Now as an adult, I find it interesting that unless you are in the middle of a group of friends that you are probably not going to get anything for holidays. The lessons from childhood just don’t relate as well when you are an adult without money to spend on frivolous items.

As a parent, it is hard to talk to children about need versus want when they are shoveled this idea that people must buy and buy and buy to be accepted in the groups. Even in pre-school, my 3-year-old came home and had packages of playdough and toys and food, which kind of made me feel sad because all we did was send the little valentine cards. Paul’s children also worry me, they are used to being handed everything as children (and being handed what they want as children), but as an adult who grew up in the same sort of environment (group homes and foster care), I don’t want to see them struggle to find assistance as an adult. I know that I have a hard time finding assistance when it is needed.

Then the other issue that I am having today, is more war with myself, society, and my desire to have enough money to support my family without assistance. Apart of me is going why can’t I just make $47,000 a year by myself. I mean my degree alone should allow me that, and I technically financially support a family of 6 (I have 3 people at home, I pay the support for my 9-year-old, and I am the one that pays for my husband’s support of his two not that it is the right amount). And it bothers me that society is like well, you don’t make enough, so your husband should go out and make the rest. But I spend 40 hours a week at work but am finished with my work in about half that. But what else can I do, just enter surveys and contests…and hope that one of the ones that I enter I will win and hope that it will help my life in some way. Also, both my husband and I want someone at home when the children are at home, and the amount of availability that my husband currently has is just not enough to go to work without some form of transportation (which we also don’t have).

Another thing, I think I just don’t like holidays as much as I did a few years ago. I feel sad around everyone of them…