holiday sadness

Any of the widows dreading the holidays?  I am 5 months widowed and dread what is ahead.  I have 3 adult children and 4 grandchildren and I am trying to put a happy front for them.  The knot in my chest is always there.  I am very anxious.  Am I going insane?   I live in New Jersey, anyone else?  Thanks for the support.  Geri