Holiday's & Joy

So, I am trying to keep the reason for the season and celebrate the joy of Christ.  Some day's are so tough though, that it is hard to hang onto hope, joy, and love.  Some days I get so fearful and sad it overwhelms me.  For no reason last night, except my own negative thinking, I got so fearful that I started to sob uncontrollably.  I felt so alone and unloveable.  Then I had anxious dreams all night.  Today I am tired and somewhat sensitive.  I have so much to do to get ready for traveling and Christmas.  I have a Christmas party on Thursday night with my husband, a bible study tomorrow night, and the fireworks Sunday night.  It may rain so the fireworks may not happen.  I have my husbands present to work on and Carmel Corn to make this weekend.  And I am tired.  I do not like being to tired to do the things I enjoy doing.  Even when they are enjoyable it is so hard to do anything.  Some days I just want to stay home and hide from the world.  Today is one of them.   But is a beautiful day.  Sunny, clear, and cold.  The rain and wind swept out the LA smog and the snow capped mountains are beautiful.  I do love my job, although I am lazy today.  I just feel sad today and a little alone.  My dad died 17 years ago, but I still miss him so much.  His birthday would be on the 16th of this month.  I especially miss him at Thanksgiving and Christmas.  His death left a hole in my heart.  He was so young.  I felt so abandoned by him in life and death.  The few summers we had were so great and I try to remember those.  I try to remember him healthy.   I am lonely today for my husband too.  He is a good man.  He and I both have things to work on to improve our marriage, but we are on a good path and both of us are open to working on things.  I would say our marriage is pretty good.  I am not unhappy being married.  I do miss the excitement of dating and being newly weds.  But that is OK to miss.  Things are good the way they are too. I miss the things that I once could do, the confidence of knowing I could take care of myself, of walking without fear of falling due to uneven ground or wind, of not having to think about each thing I do at every moment, and of having energy to do the things I enjoy.  I feel so melancholy today.  Doesn't mean it isn't a good day.  I am just a little sad and tired.  I am grateful for the clear skies, a warm home, God, my husband, a chance to take a vacation, my job, and family.