Holiday Plans?
Should I go back to Texas for the holidays? In the years since declaring December my therapy month has paid off in more manageable PTSD symptoms, I have taken on the role of playing "Little Dutch Girl" to the parent-in-law planning of major holidays. I go where my family needs me and chill between duty calls. Hubs and sons were fully content following the parent-in-law dictates, though they did grumble allot when the caregivers took over the event planning during the years of the FIL's final decline. They are caregivers, not silver platter event planners. The rigid sequence of Holiday events my in-laws practiced would be hard to duplicate by anyone other than the authors of the sequence. They met and courted during the Holiday season in the late 40's. The romantic evolution was long and uniquely theirs. Not even their sons can duplicate it. There's a hefty gap between decades of just showing up and weaving the magic yourself.
For sure, I remain a calendar day basket case. Birthdays, anniversaries, graduations, etc., remain a phobic mystery to me. My last attempt to put together YS's 33rd birthday party in March is the loudest replay in my mind as I contemplate the notion of returning to Texas for the holidays. That was a multi-directional emotional beating which still smarts. Yet another case of having 5 radically different adult conversations on a single subject. I'll wager the 5 adults still havenae ever spoken to one another on that single subject. Each will grow angry if I attempt to tell them of the other 4 conversations. Each will feel diminished if I pick one and try to make it work. The 5 viewpoints together equal chaos.
Dunno. . . Chewing. . . Sorting. . . No crisis here. *Just* pondering the planning. . .
Replies
I hate effing Christmas. Never been good for me. So glad you have interesting stories. Arfie. Must make it more manageable? Love and hugs x
typical planning here started two days ago when our oldest sister stopped by with a batch of her great cookies. she said she had talked to our baby of the family sister (now over 50 years old). they realized it has been about three years or more since we have had a family gathering of any proportion. we have had great success in the past mostly with park parties. for thanksgiving and x-mas we pick the family with the biggest house and start there. i did a count of the local family head count of 29 people. 6 of those are grandkids around ten years old. no babies or toddlers to play with anymore. our kids of about 30ish and their spouse add up to 7. us old folks tie with the teens to 20 somethings with 8 of each. i know with a two week notice that anything we do plan is not going to be a full turn out but still has a big party potential. our oldest daughter of this said group is the lucky winner of the biggest accusable house this year, her mother (my sister) is the one that win the most times in the past and the parties where always great.
so the plotting begins...
Despite the insanity, stress, anxiety, fear of each holiday: dressing up, smile on face, ignore nasty in the corner, too much alcohol...way too much alcohol, polite chit chat covering anxiety...this is family tradition...the gathering...what I wouldn't give for just "one more crazy dinner together" the horrible for me of my past would be Wonderful today,
There are stories and memories, some bad, ugly joyous and down right unreal...these stories I carry close in my heart with gratitude.
I love holidays, but they're simple things here.
When I was married, we went back to Pittsburgh were most of my ex's family lived, and went to his sister's house as she'd taken over giving the family meals. The holiday was on whatever day she was doing it, and that was fine with us. (Driving is a pain in the ass, I'd have loved to have them come to us, but that was never going to happen.)
Now that it's just the 3 of us (kids and me), holidays are "holidays" just because of a few traditions. Cooking is minimal (I do bake pumpkin pie/ Christmas cookies), and I'll do a turkey&stuffing, and mashed potatoes for T-day. But that's it. Christmas is cold cuts, specialty cheeses, and veggies. We don't even actually sit down at a "table".
Kids are free to run off to movies, parties with friends. My son puts in time at the firehouse. And that's it.
My experience with "magic" is that if you're having a good time with whatever you're doing...and you don't need anyone else to show up to make that magic happen...then all will go well. Shrink the holiday down to whatever "event" you want. If that's a walk around the neighborhood, then do that. If it's a drive, do that. A meal...do that. Invite others, but don't care if they come or not. (Careful with inviting kids, because you're de facto becoming the babysitter unless the parents decide to come along too.)
If you do go back...maybe even consider getting a hotel room? Show up at the homestead with whatever. Food, toys?, activities for the kids (there are a number of toddler friendly crafts you can make/buy, and new play dough is always good...oh and a balloon, balloons are great fun!, flashlights in the dark) then beat a fast retreat again.
An hour of fun is better than four of pain. (My rule of thumb for kid attention spans is 30 minutes per year of age.)