Holiday Hardships
So far this year has gone from bad to worse. I cant wait for it to be over. I am trying and trying to move forward but every time move forward I feel like life is moving me 2 steps backwards. I am really starting to hate the holidays. It seems that ever since my daughters passing we have been trying to get caught up on bills. Right when we finally think we are caught up on bills we find out that my husband and I are losing our medical insurance on the 30th of November. Okay so that means that we need to pay out of pocket for all of his diabetic supplies I just dont know how we are going to manage that. So last week we had a talk with my 3 daughters ages 6, 11, and 14 explaining to them that this year they may not be getting gifts for Christmas but the important thing was that we have each other. My 2 older girls were wonderful and understanding but my 6 year old broke my heart she insists that I am wrong because now that her sister is an angel in heaven she will make miracle happen and we will have a wonderful christmas. I know it will break her heart if she is wrong. For 3 little girls who have lost so much this year I feel I have failed them as a mother. They not only lost a sister but also lost a best friend, mentor, and sense of security. So at this point I am determined to make sure that they have a nice christmas. I have started selling things on craigslist, taken jewelry and other valuables to the pawn store. I feel so ashamed I have never been this low. On the other hand this is the first christmas with out my oldest daughter. No matter how good it could be It wont be the same with out her. I miss her so much. If only Santa could bring her back to us and leave her under the tree that would make this the best christmas ever. It feels like the more joyful people around me get the sadder I get. I find myself crying more lately. I wonder if this is what this season is going to feel like from now on.
Replies
I had to fake a smile my first Christmass. Mike passed on 12/20, Chritmass, my hubby\'s birthday (12/27) then Funneral. The hole in my heart was so deep no light shined in. The 3 granddaughters who were 3 needed a \"normal\" Christmass. To this day the only thing I remembered were wrapping paper all over, donated gifts from friends and police dept. I was a zombie. This will be Christmass #4 without my Son I still cannot decorate a tree ( that tradition has been handed to the Twins and hubby). I leave let them have a decorating party then come back and be led into the room to be surprised of their handywork.
Reach out to the church and community organizations do NOT let your pride get in the way explain why and pray Chirstmass is a very giving holiday let others fill their needs so yours will be filled.
Enjoy your kids ( the fear of loss will be with you always, but dont let it out)
Hope this has given you some peace and knowledge you are not alone at all
Hugs Penny
The first Christmas without you daughter is the hardest thing to face and to have these financial problems on top of it is horrible. Last year was my first Christmas without Jason and I don\'t remember most of it because I was so depressed and nervous I was drugged pretty much the whole time with powerful sedative. With the younger girls you don\'t have that option.
You are a good mother to give them a Christmas even though the financial situation is rough.
Tight hugs, Terry
(((Hugs)))
Children are resilient. How about if you all make \"coupon books\" for each other. One coupon could be a hug, one could be making someone else\'s bed, one could be doing the dishes, one could be washing the car, reading a story... All it takes is recycled paper, a pencil, and imagination. This is just a thought.. My heart breaks for you and the kids and especially the insurance problem. My son is out of work. Life is sort of harsh right now.
Sending love your way,
Leda
I am SO sorry for your hardships and losing your insurance when supplies are needed is such a scary thing indeed. You have been given some wonderful ideas and I hope maybe a few of them may resonate for you? The gifts become the things that you do together as a family and that is always what is remembered when a material object is lost and long gone. It\'s those treasured memories and even though your heartstrings are being pulled so tightly I\'m sure that you will be able to think of some ways to bring yourselves together this holiday time.
I can feel how overwhelmed you are feeling and hope that you can just take one baby step a day and see how far you have come. I understand that it feels often that nothing is happening yet even when you doubt it the most healing is happening. One moment at a time and day at a time.
Please stay close and let us know how you are and what ideas you are coming up with for the holidays. I just know that if others knew they would help you...
Gentle care to you today and first things first... Just pick one thing for today and see it all the way through if you can. This has helped me so much to think and act in this way and perhaps it will you as well? That is my hope.
Loving care,
Joanie