Holiday

"I"m lying alone with my head on the phone thinking of you till it hurts."  I'm all out of love.  By Air Supply.   Seems appropiate tonight.  It is way past my 10pm bed time, but I sit here alone and so tired in my soul.   Today we celebrated the 4th of July a day early.   My oldest son and his wife declined to come by.   We went to a bad movie, then everyone was a pain at dinner.  Middle son and wife fighting, husband snippy, youngest son refused to eat anything, and his girl wouldn't sit on a blanket in the grass.   Everyone seemed to hate being outside to eat.   Middle son went in and left everyone else outside.   Then the wind came up.  We shot off the fireworks anyway, but it was really too windy.  Griping about where I put middle son's dog so he wouldn't freak and feet draggin by youngest who didn't want to light fireworks.

Just a day full of unhappy people who couldn't enjoy anythijng and ruined the day for me completely.   Tomorrow there will be no one but angry pouty youngest and grumpy husband for the 4th.   What fun we will have.  Not.   Figure husband will continue to snipe at me all day until I hide in the bathroom to cry.   He seems to hate me so since our "dream" vacation to Europe.  Like he finally saw me clearly instead of through rose colored glasses and he didn' tlike what he found.   

I hated those rose colored glasses.  I always wanted him to actually see me and not this ideal person that I wasn't, but his constant hostility towards anything I say, do or ask him to do is so wearing.  I already get that from youngest.

Supposed to go to Oregon Thursday with this lovely crowd of people who hate each other and me.   I dn't want to go.   I just do not want to go.  I don't want to break apart and shatter into a thousand pieces and I feel so close to that already.  I just don't think I can play peacemaker to all these people that just seem to hate each other and me.   SO so tired.   My GOd have mercy on me....