Holding hands, love, and sunsets. =)

I never thought that I could miss something as simple as holding hands with someone. Do you remember how that feels? There you are walking down the street with someone you just met. Someone new, different, and mysterious. There are crowds of people around you, walking passed you on the sparkling city streets of New York City. The cold winter's wind rushes through your hair and you nervously run your fingers through it as you start to tell him a little about yourself. Your likes, dislikes, hopes, dreams, passions. You try not to stumble over your nervous words, carefully choosing the right ones in hopes that he doesn't think you are just some dumb little girl. Your hands start to feel cold so you rub them together as you ask him to tell you about himself. Suddenly he smiles and within seconds you feel his fingers lock into yours. And as you continue to walk down the streets of the city that never sleeps you realize that you too will not shut your eyes tonight because for once reality is better than your dreams..
Okay, story time aside please forgive my sappy Lifetime corniness. I have all these emotions that I fear will not let me sleep if I don't release them. Bare with me friends..
I miss the feeling of truly connecting with someone. I miss looking into someone's eyes and knowing they have the power to take my heart in the palm of their hands and do what they please with it. I miss laying in bed and clinging onto the one who has my heart and simply watching a movie. Taking a cat nap in their arms. I miss going out on a romantic date and coming home to text my best friend saying that "I swear I will marry that man!" I miss laying in bed at night wondering what the future holds and if I will settle down with him and have his children. So many missed things. So many hopes and dreams I had.
Sometimes my loneliness gets the best of me and it's hard to handle. I drive myself mad with these thoughts and memories of the past and I wonder if I made a mistake. I have truly given my heart to one person that I have accepted may never be although he comes and goes out of my life as he pleases. He has been in the army for many years and I am okay with where we stand. He meant/means a great deal to me, but I finally know that I deserve better. He just can not be the man I need. He is a ball of confusion and issues and although I know he is everything I don't want my heart clings to him. And to be honest I feel as if my heart clings to the past because it has nothing else to cling to. Or maybe I am afraid. Or maybe I have yet to meet someone who compares.
All I want is to meet someone who understands me. Who can accept my past, and see me for who I am today, not who I was before. When I care about a person I want them to know the real me, but I don't want to pretend my past didn't exist. I believe that your past, your fears, your heartaches, your pain makes you who you are today. Why hide that? If someone truly loves you they will love you no matter what. When I love, I love with all I have. For once I would like to feel that in return. I KNOW in my gut that there is someone out there, right now, who feels the EXACT way I feel. Someone who wants the things I want, craves the things I crave, dreams the dreams I dream, and who ultimately wants to be loved the way I want to be loved. I just haven't met him yet. 
My name is Crystal. I have loved and I have lost. I have seen Death, felt pain, and wished bad upon myself. I have looked in the mirror and seen a monster that I know now never existed. I was my own worst enemy and let people take advantage of the sacred and beautiful qualities I swore I never deserved. I have buried myself in a black hole time and time again and convinced myself that the pain people caused me I deserved. I tried to reach out for years and never got anything in return although I have tried my hardest to be there for the ones I love. I was close to giving up.
I woke up.
It has taken me a long time to realize that my past was NOT my fault. None of this was my fault. I have made mistakes. That is what makes me human. I learned from them. I forgave myself and worked so hard to change the way I looked at things and myself. I am not my past. My past is who I was and I am happy with who I am now.
The one thing I still have is hope. Hope that I continue to have the strength to fight down this amazing path. Hope that someday my path will cross with another. In that moment he will look into my eyes, hold my hand, and we will continue to walk on that path together right off into the sunset. 
=)