Hoarding... What is it?
i've been spending time with my mom. the more time goes on.... the more clutter and STUFF she collects. She has always had a tendency towards this but since dad died, it has gotten worse. I've noticed in the last year it's really esculated. i really don't know why... i just know that it has. part of it is my brother no longer comes to her house every weekend to tend to her yard, household chores, take out her trash, and do little things around the house.... she has just filled and filled her house with stuff.
it isn't dirty. her house doesn't smell. she doesn't have pets. I cleaned off her patio a few weeks ago and it's already pretty messy again. i just don't know how she lives in it.... she sleeps a lot during the day and stays up all night watching television. she seems more comfortable in her house in the dark... she's always been a night owl. ... i can tell even by her personality she starts waking UP about 9 oclock at night.
but her house is unnerving.... the pathways are getting smaller... there are more "random" piles that don't make sense than before. They used to have order and sense... but starting to not. I think she owes a lot of money on credit cards from buying stuff on QVC... she hasn't really said... just little things she hints about... and the clothes... NEW beautiful expensive clothes that I see in every bedroom.... ? She's 76... just how many outfits does she need? and she doesn't belong to any organizations to wear them to...
i just don't know what to say... or whether to say anything or not. i really don't think it would do any good. i know she is lonely and spends money and shops to fill her time. she doesn't have friends. just ONE... and she does visit her sisters sometimes. She won't come stay with me.. maybe one time a year or so... she feels like she is in the way... i think it's bc we don't sleep all day and stay up all night.... I don't know .... ?
i feel sorry for her. i'm not judging her. i just wonder if her clutter is hiding anger, frustration, fear or loneliness. it makes me very sad... i don't want her to be lonely... but i don't know what to do for her. she is a very isolating person. she's very very good at isolating herself. and it's gotten worse since she's become older.
i just don't think there is really anything i can do. i know better than to make her feel hurt or sad about it... and i can't be her counselor... been there, done that for years and years and learned i can't do that for her.
just makes me sad.
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Being at my mom's ... i'm starting to really think about it... we stayed up late.... until one oclock last night... then i went to bed and mom stayed up ALL night... I have been sluggish, tired, cranky, and irritated all day bc i did not get enough rest....
but this is how it is at mom's.... the hours are weird.... the meals are at weird times.... if at all.... there is no concept of order or schedule.... and i feel depressed and just want to go home.
this must be how mom feels and just keeps pushing it away... how can you sleep all day and stay up all night and function???
I just feel like running home... back to ORDER and function. OMG... it's so overwhelming....
Hi ginger,
It makes me sad that your mom is experiencing the clutter problem. My own mom was a disorganized person, in a similar way; and she was continually on radar for anything others were giving away that could be put to further use. And sometimes this was a convenient way of saving money, especially since I am from a very large family. So when someone was getting started in a new place, the furnishing could be picked up at her place, for little to no charge at all. Problem was that much of that stuff was near to other people's trash. And when my mother died, my brothers and sisters had to get rid of it, which was a mess to deal with.
When people collect things or gather inside the home property that they don't really need, or buy personal stuff of which they don't ever use in a practical sense, then it is because of heavy weight of stored-up emotional burdens, in which that person has not yet attempted to progress away from pain by releasing the memories of disappointment and even rejection. What interferes or obstructs moving on and away is a symbol to the multitude of junk or piles stuff they collect around them, sort of like building around them, as a comfort, a memory wall of previous, lifetime disappointments (just as a reminder that something(s) did indeed cause this; they are not ready to claim personal responsibility for their pain yet). And this is the mysterious way a clutter person attempts to settle pain by collections, which they really do believe that this way opens up to the circumstances of disaster wandering around inside of their mind. But this is all a false belief, and it has to eventually be dealt with for the sake of normalcy. Add to this, your mom carries secrets of sorrow and much fear. Most people suffering in this way admit that the buildup of things around them assures them of a false sense of security. And as you describe your mom as a night owl, then most likely living inside of the night is an escape from reality. The world threatens her, and when the world is usually alive and awake, she is sleeping through her pain. So in order for your mom to properly heal, or recover and move forward, away from painful expressions of emotional clutter, then she has to be willing to discuss the injury or injuries and all other matters that cause her thoughtless actions. She has to think through her situation, and take the actions necessary to begin a healthy process needed to shut off those really painful emotional valves which all created her depression, which she is suffering from depressive memories and ideas.
The way for you to make a difference in her is just as you feel compelled to do, which is nothing to pressure her. You have an understanding heart, you love her, you want what's best for her, and you are not afraid to be there for her when needed. And this is the best that can be expected, as you are her nearest family. Though keep a close watch out for your own good health. Keep calm. This change may make the difference between life now and way ahead for the long-term needs ahead, for each of you. If you can take the steps, with other family members getting involved, organize a way to sit down with your mother and come to terms with a plan to approach getting her steady therapy. A good qualified clutter therapist will do wonders to assist your family with this situation. And never forget that fervent prayer is most important. I hope the best possible circumstances in a healing for your mother. Yet this is not such an emergency situation right now. Though it is time to come up with an emergency rescue plan as soon as possible. There are warning signals that other family members should know how to help you help Mom.
Much love and many warm hugs to you! Be blessed.