Hoarders
The stickiest psyhopations I have to work through these days involve my Adult Children. Sorting through my part in their dysfunctions makes me feel like a gossip of the worst order. Still. . . Repressing the emotional whiplash of their places in my life is Ouchus Maximus. Processing. . .
On one had, I am thrilled that we are still a well-bonded family unit in their middle-age. On the other hand, I often feel dysfunctionally used with much of what they throw at me. No, Dear, it is not likely I will be able to pay your bills after I am gone, or even after I join the retirement village in the homeless camps. This model is NOT sustainable. Can we work on more sustainable solutions now? I ain't buying the notion that 40 is the new 20. I'm likely to short circuit completely if that logic evolves to 60 being the new 20. You will be expecting WHAT of your 85 year old mother?
I typed out several paragraphs of venting on the subject which I just deleted. Typing it out was enough to bring some order and validation to my current hysteria. Reading it sounded way too much like the time-honored tradition of disapproving of the next generation. All that is theirs to sort.
My task of the day is to pull the vehicle Hubs and I repossessed from YS yesterday into what I hope will soon be the farm's mechanic's bay and begin the detoxing of the accumulated trash and grime. I expect that to take at least a day or two. More if my psychopations interfere with the process. Hoarding filth still triggers my PTSD symptoms mightily. My sons never even met my parents. How did they learn their houskeeping style? After I jump that body of flashback nightmares, I will begin on the mechanical safety. Then comes the legal fun of the overdue inspection and registration.
Sigh. . . Little ones little heartaches. Big ones, big heartaches? Sorting. . .
Replies
I can feel the pain you are expressing here, I can only imagine the venting words that were wisely deleted. I have recently thrown out a few hours of venting myself. I do wish the problem could be thrown out that easily.
Dysfunctional as this next generation is I don't want to claim to much of the credit for how they are not functioning. I can remember my efforts in trying to get a few of them to tow that barge and lift a bail or two. The response I remember the most is a sixteen year old telling me they already had plans to be living at "home" when he was twenty-six like his friend was. that same kid is now fifty pulse and living in my back room with his SO, thinking that mowing the lawn is paying the rent. And yes his father's car is in content need of repair from his driving it. least his dad taught him how to fix things while he was "growing up?"
Anyway, I hope you survive this one too
I just moved the mobile hot spot to "The Big Barn" in hopes of psycho-sorting in the course of doing what needs to be done. I was triggering pretty wildly before I finished the easy part of the clean-up. The hatch section of the vehicle had been a mobile hoard compartment. At least the unused skeletons were merely decayed. They had not been trampled or mixed with the toxins of daily family life. Yes,I expect to find a dirty diaper or three in the passenger section, mixed in with last year's ice cream, etc. I decided on a hysterical rant with best beloved sis and stomach fortifying before I tackle that part of the job.
Leaving the middle aged children to sort the yaddahs of their own blahs, riding on prayers for my grandchildren, I am currently trying to simplify the current labors as a lesson in loaning cars. Is it okay to feel a need to grieve the betrayal of trust? You can even call me Toxic Mom for having the need to grieve.
sorting. . .
Big hug for you Arf…… When I read "I ain't buying the notion that 40 is the new 20' it made me laugh....smile
I'm not a parent except for my 4 legged baby so I can't imagine how hard it can be at times.... I was sure a handful.... Maybe an armload
Another big hug.... I'm a bit of a clean freak so I hear you......xo
Sad as it is to say, Eldest Son (38) is not the only adult child I have heard trying to peddle that one. Argue with a fool and you will only prove there are two fools. Insert Frank Sinatra here. Bah da doo de dah do. . . To be Young at heart.
Is it a hopeful sign that ES at least looked embarrassed after he said it? He was only 36 at the time.
Reading this breaks my heart. I AM one of those adult kids who cannot function without the support of my mom. I feel all kinds of guilt because my mom is elderly and still works to help support me. That is why winning my disability hearing is so important - so my incredible mom can stop working and try to enjoy her twilight years. She deserves it more than anybody I have ever known. She has sacrificed her entire life for her children. (She had 5, of which, I am the baby.) And she has never turned her back on me, not even once, when everyone else cast me aside. And I am so sorry, arfie, that your kids are at you to try and help them, even in adulthood.
Even on the hardest days, I am not sorry that my adult kids feel free to ask me for help. Nor do I hold their handicaps against them. Having them out of my lives is nowhere on my wish list.
I might break down in tears of gratitude if they let family care be a give and take proposition. Age is not even the roughest of my handicaps and I still hear all the ugly, stigmatic names middle age children use to complain about their mentally ill mothers.
Please assure me you are not selling the notion that 40 as the new 20. . .
Not at all! I want to liberate my mom from the burden I have been to her, basically, my entire life. I want the very best for her, and I am embarrassed and ashamed that she has a daughter like me. She deserves much, much better.
I'll bet your mother doesn't want that for you any more than I want that for my own middle aged children.
I'm praying that together we can find a better way.
Healing hopes for all. No exceptions.