Ho hummmmmm.....

So i guess thisis what they mean when you hear someone say they dont care or give up. I have realized that I have subconsiasly given up. I skip taking my vitamis when I dont fell like it and I really dont want to be doing progesterone rightnow. I have to force me self to take it. I dont even think about it. Its like i dont care about it right now. I hate how much work is involved and how how consuming it all is. Its like I automatically signed out. I guess I just dont have it in me anymore. I dont know what to do. I really dont wantto live with out kids and a family but going through the hell of IF is almost to much in it's slef. I mean we cant afford any other treatments and it seems so hopeless. My husband talked about joining the air force reserve. maybe I should let him. The only reason I said no is because I wanted a family and if I cant have that then why keep him from doing that. I know it will ruin our marraige him being away. Maybe that is what I want. A family has a mom and a dad not just a husband and a wife. him leaving will make it easier on him. I dont want to hurt him but i really dont see why i should pretend to be happy when im not. He is not at all concerened with us not having kids and is not concerened on the toll it has taken on me. I think I will tell him tonight to go sign up for the air force. It will hurt but thats all my lifeis full of right no wis pain. A little more wont make a difference.