ho hum

This morning i woke up with this sadness, well, ive had it, but it hit me this morning. im so tired. so exhausted. i feel guilty and sad, because of my current break up. ive never had a normal break up... i dont know what to do. so much inside me screams to go back to him, have it be ok, but i know it wouldnt be ok, we just arent compatible, we dont communicate. and the reason i would be going back would be for his sake, and not my own happiness. to give him another chance to prove to me that he can be the man i need. i keep reminding myself that i tried, that i put everything into it that i could. that i told him exactly what i wanted/expected of him to the best of my abilities. just cause now he is picking up his pace and talking about finally progressing in life does not mean that he will, or that we are better together. But these emotions, oh these damn emotions. I hope they will subside when i am moved out. i hate seeing him hurt, cause i do love that man. and i feel guilty for having found someone else with more similar interests. i wish things were different. i wish i could make him understand. but even the other day we got in a fight, simply because of miscommunication. i feel like he doesnt understand me, and he feels like i dont understand him. and its not good for my daughter, we argue constantly. i just wish he didnt blame me, i wish he would look at himself some too, cause it really isnt anyone's fault though he wants to blame me. he wants to think that i planned it all this way. i never planned this. all i want is stability, and a family, and love and peace at home. i crave it. ive never had it. and unfortunately it takes planning and money. i would love to say screw everything and not make a goal for the future, but i cant do that. if i make a goal and it all falls through, then so what, on with the next, but i need to be working towards something. i need to have plan in mind, even if i expect it to fail, i have to try. even trying is a success. but with him, i never felt like i was trying towards anything, i was just waiting to try. and i cant handle the stress anymore of waiting for him to be on the same page. he considers being on the same page, watching my daughter, when in all actuality it makes more sense for him to go to school cause he is closer to a degree, and he is very smart with computers. very.  i wanted him to be with me, make plans with me, and i wanted him to someday be able to marry me, but he never took a single step towards any of that. why do i feel so guilty... for not giving him another chance? but he has had his chances. he should know what he had when he had it, not after the fact. and he should stop blaming me. i already blame myself enough, cause thats what women like us do. but im keeping on with my plans.