Hmmm..... where to start....
BUSINESS: Well, it FINALLY quit raining and I'm slowly recharging enough to get back to my business plan. It took 3 days of walking in the sun to get rid of my SAD symptoms. As I said before, I've got all the information for my plan and most of it is lined up, and THIS WEEK I finish it off and begin looking for financing and a building! And of course, I'm scared to death again, lol. And another business just like my plan opened up in a nearby town.... there's a lot of problems there, so there's really no competition, but it is a wake up call to me to get my butt going! Why am I scared? Because I'm COMFORTABLE. And moving out of a major comfort zone is REALLY HARD....
DATING: We had GLORIOUS sunshine for the Volksmarch. I ran into a friend at Walmart the day before. I was Boy Scout Leader for her son who is now almost 30! We hadn't gotten together since our kids were about 10, and I asked her if she wanted to go... she said yes, and we had an AWESOME time. We hike/marched the whole thing in 1 1/2 hours, lol, with 1/2 hour of that time just trying to figure out where to take photos around all the people. And we talked, and talked, and talked.... and it felt so good! AND THEN, she says she wants to set me up on a blind date. And I said YES! Am I ready? NOPE, lol. But then again, she said this guy bikes and hikes alone A LOT, and she thinks we'd really become great friends, and HE'S not looking for long term relationship other than friendship either. SO YEP, I'm open to it - though I do have some misgivings.... she said he's never been married (red flag) and is fit (well, let's just bring out my insecurities about being overweight, lol!) She also told me that one of my other best friends thinks I'm going to end up homeless over this dog business thing and is really concerned. As I told her all my plans, she was amazingly supportive, said "you've GOT this!", and yet it triggered a tiny little doubt in my head. Well, until I heard the question on the radio - where will you be in 5 years - and the DEFINITE answer was doing my dog business and NOT in my current job....
INVESTMENT: I bought a bike. I probably shouldn't have because it took a HUGE chunk out of my savings, but hey, it's a BIKE! It's a full suspension Specialized, women's specific mountain bike. It's slower down the street, slower up the hill to the singletrack and tighter to the point I need to work on balance on tight turns, but once I get on the singletrack, I'm climbing climbs that normally take months to train for, FLYING down washboard on the dirt road on the way back (I looked at my odometer and noticed I was going 35 mph and immediately thought "I'm gonna die", lol.) I name all my bikes - The Moose is now for MUD... this one, my Cadillac because she rides soooo smooothly, is for training and racing. Plus she's cranberry (like my van) and white. lol. GORGEOUS. I'm MOTIVATED! TRAINING HAS BEGUN!
GRIEF AND MOURNING: I've entered a new stage. Just when I thought the grief couldn't get any darker, it DID. This has GOT to be the final stage of it.... I hope. Now, instead of grieving over who I thought he was and who he really was, I'm now grieving over MEMORIES.... memories of all the good things in our lives. As I told my friend during our hike, I'm thankful that in a way it's not as deep as it could be... I don't have things trigger it like what I'm hearing other people go through... such as the lady who once said that she had a crying breakdown just putting a key in her door because that was HIS JOB. Nope, I don't have that. But I do have the memories of daily laughter... I do have memories of him making my dreams come true... and I do have memories of holding hands when things got hard. The worst of it... I wonder if I had reported to the police that he'd been poisoning me, if that would have saved his life. But instead, I FORGAVE him and packed the evidence in his stuff. UGH. Man, this better be the worst of it....
CHAOS: And so, part of the problem is that I'm decluttering which triggers those memories. My annual "nesting" need has kicked in, and I find myself ditching lots of things that we accumulated over the years.... Norman Rockwell Glass Collection his mother gave us but we never used, all my tent camping equipment, stuff I've decided needs to go because I've replaced it with smaller things, such as my cooler, etc. Because it's silly to have all this monster stuff around when it's just me now. I find myself getting rid of things that also hold deep memories.... and I also find I'm looking for things that I thought I wouldn't want to keep, like his photos. Luckily they're still here somewhere, but in all the changes this year, I just stashed the stuff away in a closet, and now have a cluttered mess to go through. Yep, I'm overwhelmed....
And SO, I'm taking steps forward into my new life. Wanna know what's REALLY silly about it? That I'm TERRIFIED.... yep, me.... strong, courageous, adventurous me... is TERRIFIED of leaping into this new adventure, because now I'm at the edge of an emotional cliff and there's only one thing left to do.... FALL OR FLY. Well, here goes! LATER!
DATING: We had GLORIOUS sunshine for the Volksmarch. I ran into a friend at Walmart the day before. I was Boy Scout Leader for her son who is now almost 30! We hadn't gotten together since our kids were about 10, and I asked her if she wanted to go... she said yes, and we had an AWESOME time. We hike/marched the whole thing in 1 1/2 hours, lol, with 1/2 hour of that time just trying to figure out where to take photos around all the people. And we talked, and talked, and talked.... and it felt so good! AND THEN, she says she wants to set me up on a blind date. And I said YES! Am I ready? NOPE, lol. But then again, she said this guy bikes and hikes alone A LOT, and she thinks we'd really become great friends, and HE'S not looking for long term relationship other than friendship either. SO YEP, I'm open to it - though I do have some misgivings.... she said he's never been married (red flag) and is fit (well, let's just bring out my insecurities about being overweight, lol!) She also told me that one of my other best friends thinks I'm going to end up homeless over this dog business thing and is really concerned. As I told her all my plans, she was amazingly supportive, said "you've GOT this!", and yet it triggered a tiny little doubt in my head. Well, until I heard the question on the radio - where will you be in 5 years - and the DEFINITE answer was doing my dog business and NOT in my current job....
INVESTMENT: I bought a bike. I probably shouldn't have because it took a HUGE chunk out of my savings, but hey, it's a BIKE! It's a full suspension Specialized, women's specific mountain bike. It's slower down the street, slower up the hill to the singletrack and tighter to the point I need to work on balance on tight turns, but once I get on the singletrack, I'm climbing climbs that normally take months to train for, FLYING down washboard on the dirt road on the way back (I looked at my odometer and noticed I was going 35 mph and immediately thought "I'm gonna die", lol.) I name all my bikes - The Moose is now for MUD... this one, my Cadillac because she rides soooo smooothly, is for training and racing. Plus she's cranberry (like my van) and white. lol. GORGEOUS. I'm MOTIVATED! TRAINING HAS BEGUN!
GRIEF AND MOURNING: I've entered a new stage. Just when I thought the grief couldn't get any darker, it DID. This has GOT to be the final stage of it.... I hope. Now, instead of grieving over who I thought he was and who he really was, I'm now grieving over MEMORIES.... memories of all the good things in our lives. As I told my friend during our hike, I'm thankful that in a way it's not as deep as it could be... I don't have things trigger it like what I'm hearing other people go through... such as the lady who once said that she had a crying breakdown just putting a key in her door because that was HIS JOB. Nope, I don't have that. But I do have the memories of daily laughter... I do have memories of him making my dreams come true... and I do have memories of holding hands when things got hard. The worst of it... I wonder if I had reported to the police that he'd been poisoning me, if that would have saved his life. But instead, I FORGAVE him and packed the evidence in his stuff. UGH. Man, this better be the worst of it....
CHAOS: And so, part of the problem is that I'm decluttering which triggers those memories. My annual "nesting" need has kicked in, and I find myself ditching lots of things that we accumulated over the years.... Norman Rockwell Glass Collection his mother gave us but we never used, all my tent camping equipment, stuff I've decided needs to go because I've replaced it with smaller things, such as my cooler, etc. Because it's silly to have all this monster stuff around when it's just me now. I find myself getting rid of things that also hold deep memories.... and I also find I'm looking for things that I thought I wouldn't want to keep, like his photos. Luckily they're still here somewhere, but in all the changes this year, I just stashed the stuff away in a closet, and now have a cluttered mess to go through. Yep, I'm overwhelmed....
And SO, I'm taking steps forward into my new life. Wanna know what's REALLY silly about it? That I'm TERRIFIED.... yep, me.... strong, courageous, adventurous me... is TERRIFIED of leaping into this new adventure, because now I'm at the edge of an emotional cliff and there's only one thing left to do.... FALL OR FLY. Well, here goes! LATER!
Replies
I am new to your journals. However, it is normal to be a bit afraid of something new and starting over again. Fear is normal. Healthy. Not doing something because of our fear is something else.
15 years ago I got on a plane to Zambia, Southern Africa. I had no job. Just a dream. Well 15 years later, I have had an amazing career. I followed my passion and took a risk. You start your dog business. Put your passion in it and it will all work out.
You have a well rounded life that includes friends and playtime in your life. A date...wow, but you know he might only be a friend.
As far as your business. You will get that going as soon as you can. I understand the hesitation and being afraid. Second guessing your decisions.
I\'m past where you are right now with this farm. I was so scared when I bought this land that was nothing but pines and oaks. It\'s been a daunting task to make it into the farm it is now. Everything I accomplished on here I had never done before. I was working another farm job and had a house with 8 acres and horses to care for.
I was all alone and the ex was overseas. I take pride in what I have accomplished, the problems I overcame.
Like Karenhopeful I have an amazing life for now. I have followed my passion and life is good. I took that risk that you are considering and it worked for me. I did less research than you have done.
You know dogs, you are comitted to this. All that holds you back is your own doubts. When you do this give it your all. You will never regret the trying. I think you will do more than try; you will succeed.
If I fail or the ex gets the best of me I will be satisfied in knowing that I tried my best and what I did accomplish was good. It\'s in the trying that counts but I know you will try, you will finish what you start and be successful.