Hmmm... i sure did it this time

I havent journaled much lately, and im such an idiot. i really am. Seems the deeper i dig into myself the more mistakes i make. its life, im trying to just let it go, at least i am salvaging my relationship... sort of. i think things are going well, we are getting along better than we did, but i have doubts that he will step up to the plate and fix what he needs to. my emotions are a mess... i go to counseling, and am truly trying to get over my PTSD... but i somehow manage to screw things up when they seem to be going well. im supposed to start school... if my financial aid doesnt go through im screwed... and its down to the wire for registration. since i brilliantly decided to go gamble and lost what i was saving for my tuition in case it didnt go through, its my daughters birthday on monday... im gonna have to take a draw from my check tomarrow, if my boss will even let me, to pay for my car payment and for my daughters birthday... great. im a friggin mess. im trying to stay calm and just let it go, there is nothing i can do about it now. Im just so angry with myself, for everything that has happened. i keep telling myself, the past is the past, let it go... quit living in the past. but im realizing, that part of my PTSD triggers, are when things are going to go well for me... i somehow sabotage it... not even realizing what im doing, and powerless to stop. everytime i get money in savings. i go gamble.... when i was in the army... for some reason i couldnt pass the pt test, and would fail by seconds, but all i had to do was pass, and i could have been a director making movies by now... i could have lived my dream, and i would literally not be able to breathe during the tests, or go any faster. i was in shape enough, i am strong enough to push myself. High school... i became overwhelmed and dropped out a few short months before graduating and went to work. ive never married, no matter how much in love i was with some one, or thought i was... because i just couldnt, its a good thing i didnt, but i could never be with a good man... i always went after the crazy ones. i had a chance, to be with my soulmate... and i went out and did some bad things, when he would sacrifice the world for me, luckily we are still friends. but any time i have the chance to be happy, it seems something happens within me, that sabotages my thoughts and dreams... my counselor told me to look for patterns... i think i just found it.
what i cant figure out is... why? where did this start? I know my mom was crazy... i know alot of crazy shit happened... but it feels like something else set me on this path... i have a very strong spirit, and my thoughts and ideas are solid, but mix it with my emotions, and you have someone who isnt even me. its like i cant get out of my own head, i say dont do this, or all you have to do is do this and everything will be ok... and the harder i strive to fight this within me, the harder it fights back.... ill lose track of time... im too smart for my own good, i outsmart myself, and i can make an excuse for anything in my head to justify my actions at the time. not just in gambling. i remember when i was trying to pass the run in the army...
i even sat up all night one night, and wrote to myself over again, i can do this, i can pass this, i can and i will... and still failed because i got out there and just couldnt... i could other times... just not when it counted. i never understood why... how could i be and feel so strong and yet not pass this simple thing? this one thing holding me back. I have done it with jobs. i have had my current job over 2 years, and that is the longest i have ever held a job, always seemed i would get fired somehow after a year if i made it that long. i stopped trying to do things for my life a long time ago... or things that would make me happy in a long run. 
hell, even working out, i KNOW it would make me feel better, i KNOW i would enjoy it, i KNOW that i would be a little more stable...  but i cant seem to do it. well, this sabotage shit has to be running out of options now... im getting it into a smaller and smaller box, and either im going to explode and do something that would screw me over forever, or it will go away and i will win finally. i would prefer to win. but i cant say i trust myself at this point. look what i did today? this week... i gambled, lost, did again, won it back... then lost it again... ive done this before, but ive had a handle on it for a while. ugh. until today. funny, when me and austin broke up, i was so devastated i didnt care about gambling at all... lost all desire too... all i wanted was to work on my relationship, and my future, and be a better mom to my daughter. what the hell happened this week?
i hope i figure this all out, at least learn to enjoy life a little.