His first Birthday without him
As Jeremy's birthday approached (his first without him) my daughters asked me what I wanted to do.
What I wanted to do was,,,,,,nothing! I wanted to be alone. I wanted to hide myself away. I wanted the day to not come at all. But yet,,,,it came. At midnight,,,Sept 1st is when the crying started. But I wasnt alone like I wanted. My boyfriend was there holding me as I cried and he cried with me.
By 10am both my daughters were here also. (I told them I wanted to be alone) But yet here they were. Becky brought with her 19 balloons. He would have been turning 19. And she suggested we tie notes to Jeremy on each balloon string to release to him. As much as I didnt want to,,,it was soooooo nice! We wrote serious notes, simple notes and funny notes. Some we shared with each other and some we kept as private. And since Jeremy ALWAYS wants chocolate cake with chocolate iceing and chocolate chips and more chocolate,,,,,my daughter Megan suggested we attached a peice of chocolate to a group of balloons. We didnt think we would be able to get enough balloons to send a whole cake.
And somehow during it all,,,,there was crying BUT there was laughter also! We talked about what we think Jeremy did if he can interact with physical things from us such as the balloons. Becky said she just knew he would be up there sucking the helium out of the balloons and reading the notes in that helium induced voice. Especially the note that only said "penis,penis,penis" (long story that has to do with my son's weird sense of humor) (im sure without a doubt that he understood it)
And as a gift I guess you could say,,,,Becky gave Jeremy his companion cube. Now the companion cube is from one of Jeremy's favorite video games called Portal. We had a carpenter make it as his place for his cremains. Becky's idea and she worked so hard on it over the last few months since he left us. Because the carpenter just did the cutting and putting together of it. The painting and varnishing and inside padding was done by Becky. It has been finished for a couple months but no one had the (what word to use here,,,) ability I guess, to move him into the companion cube. But on his birthday,,,Becky wanted him to have it,,,,so she did. It was an alone time between bother and sister. None of the rest of us were present for that.
So all in all,,,,what I wanted to do on Jeremy's birthday (hide away) is not what I got. BUT it is what I NEEDED!
What I wanted to do was,,,,,,nothing! I wanted to be alone. I wanted to hide myself away. I wanted the day to not come at all. But yet,,,,it came. At midnight,,,Sept 1st is when the crying started. But I wasnt alone like I wanted. My boyfriend was there holding me as I cried and he cried with me.
By 10am both my daughters were here also. (I told them I wanted to be alone) But yet here they were. Becky brought with her 19 balloons. He would have been turning 19. And she suggested we tie notes to Jeremy on each balloon string to release to him. As much as I didnt want to,,,it was soooooo nice! We wrote serious notes, simple notes and funny notes. Some we shared with each other and some we kept as private. And since Jeremy ALWAYS wants chocolate cake with chocolate iceing and chocolate chips and more chocolate,,,,,my daughter Megan suggested we attached a peice of chocolate to a group of balloons. We didnt think we would be able to get enough balloons to send a whole cake.
And somehow during it all,,,,there was crying BUT there was laughter also! We talked about what we think Jeremy did if he can interact with physical things from us such as the balloons. Becky said she just knew he would be up there sucking the helium out of the balloons and reading the notes in that helium induced voice. Especially the note that only said "penis,penis,penis" (long story that has to do with my son's weird sense of humor) (im sure without a doubt that he understood it)
And as a gift I guess you could say,,,,Becky gave Jeremy his companion cube. Now the companion cube is from one of Jeremy's favorite video games called Portal. We had a carpenter make it as his place for his cremains. Becky's idea and she worked so hard on it over the last few months since he left us. Because the carpenter just did the cutting and putting together of it. The painting and varnishing and inside padding was done by Becky. It has been finished for a couple months but no one had the (what word to use here,,,) ability I guess, to move him into the companion cube. But on his birthday,,,Becky wanted him to have it,,,,so she did. It was an alone time between bother and sister. None of the rest of us were present for that.
So all in all,,,,what I wanted to do on Jeremy's birthday (hide away) is not what I got. BUT it is what I NEEDED!
Replies
you did good......! so glad the day was gentle....the companion cube sounds awesome,,,could you post a pic... love ya!
I was the same way about celebrating my sons bithday too. It took his sister and friends to do so every year and if I want to I follow.. This year was the 1st year I could listen to his videos he and his friend record them shelves sing rap music, I couldn\'t believe how good they were. It has been 7 yrs now. Each year is different, you will be ok in time as you learn how to manage each event you have to go through over and over again.. I\'m so glad your daughters were there for you. It is also Ok if you don\'t feel like doing anything, its your choice and don\'t feel guilty if you don\'t..Guilt only makes the pain harder on you, I learned that from my experiences through the years.. I can\'t go there...I\'m so happy you got through Jeremy\'s birthday.. Jeremy is watching over you, there is know doubt in my mind..BELIEVE!!Heart to Heart, Love, Kelly
Blessings and peace to you. Love, Kathy
I FEEL this journal in my heart!! I am so thankful you didn\'t get what you thought you wanted for Jeremy\'s birthday, but instead, you got what you needed! What a wonderful way to honor and celebrate your amazing son!!!
Amazing! Uplifting and inspiring! We CAN cry AND smile, and on days like this, we can do both at the same time.
THANK YOU for sharing your experience with us!!
Lots of love to you!
Lots of love...and chocolate...to Jeremy!
You navigated his birthday and honored your Jeremy and I have no doubt he was right there in the midst with each of you.
It is truly amazing that we awaken to \"the days after\" yet these tender ones yet we do.
Thank you for sharing how Jeremy\'s birthday unfolded and sending continued heartfelt (((hugs))) your way.
XO Joanie
There were tears but there was also laughter.....allowing yourself to feel the different emotions, honoring the memories of your precious son, To receive what you needed from your loved ones was such an expression of their love for you & Jeremy. May you feel the love & support coming to you from all directions....holding you tight. Hugs....Vicki
It\'s amazing that the day of our precious child\'s birth comes yet he is not here for us to celebrate with. Now we must learn to have this special day in a very different way. Your day unfolded with sharing by the special people so close to your heart. I\'m sure it was very moving. Sending love, hugs and understanding,
XOXO Debbie
You did good, I want a choc birthday also LOL
My son loved apple pie and ice cream so that is his birthday celebration. Mikes first birthday was very hard, but I had to hold up for the grandkids. Now my daughters girls are old enough to understand more, they want to celebrate their Uncles birthday, even if it is to get even with him for all the jokes he still plays on them
Hugs Penny
so... was penis penis penis from that movie with Tom Cruise... yes mother I said penis... so on so forth... LOL I am glad... The 1st birthday is definitely so hard... but it sounds like you all turned it into a beautiful tribute that honored Jeremy and the love you and your whole family continue to share... Take my word for it... I truly believe Jeremy is and will be in the midst of everything you all do. Hugs Elissa
I dont text while I drive so whenever I would get a text Jeremy would reply for me. One day I got a text from my daughter and Jeremy texted her back,,\"penis,penis,penis\". Just my son\'s twisted sense of humor. Of course my sje knew immediately who was doing the texting because it was just something Jeremy would do. So you know she had to get him back for that. :) So yes Elissa,,,Jeremy sure is in the midst of everything!!
And thank you so much for the hug and friendship!
Tammy