him again
Sunday:
I lied in my last journal. I said that I wouldn't answer the phone if Tim called again. He called this morning and I answered. I was so angry that I was shaking terribly, and I really blew up on him. I'm sure he could hear me breathing, heavily and rapidly. I was truly in a fit of rage.
He's still in Maine. I just let him talk for a few minutes. He told me that his sister had to go to her home two states away to get her meds and his brothers have to work, so he's the only one there to take care of his mom right now. He said that she isn't going to live much longer, and that he is just going to stay in Maine until she passes. Then he started going on about all of the things he has to do to take care of his mother properly and how hard it is for one person to do those things. Then I really lost it.
Through gritted teeth and in a loud voice, I told him that I could have helped, but he obviously doesn't want me there. He said, "I called you and told you that I'm in Maine." Then I really went off on him. He doesn't deny that his family pressured him into calling me to let me know where he is.
At one point he told me that I could come up there, if I want. I just screamed, "NO!" Before he said goodbye, he asked if I wanted him to call me when she passes away. I said, "That's really none of my business, is it?" He said, "Well, I'll call you anyway." He then said goodbye. I didn't say goodbye. I simply hung up the phone.
Was I rude? Yes. Was I out of line? Under the circumstances, probably. Do I care? Nope.
For the past few years, Tim has just ridden roughshod over me, shut me out, cut me off, and slammed one proverbial door after another in my face. Still, I was planning to be there for him. But, all he does is slam yet another door in my face. The sympathy that I felt for him has been burned down to ashes in the flames of my anger and pain. I'm in self-preservation mode now. Would my life really be any worse without him than it is with him?
My daughter has known about how Tim has been behaving for a while. I filled my mother in on him today. Both my mother and my daughter have told me that I can come live with them, if I want or need to.
I lied in my last journal. I said that I wouldn't answer the phone if Tim called again. He called this morning and I answered. I was so angry that I was shaking terribly, and I really blew up on him. I'm sure he could hear me breathing, heavily and rapidly. I was truly in a fit of rage.
He's still in Maine. I just let him talk for a few minutes. He told me that his sister had to go to her home two states away to get her meds and his brothers have to work, so he's the only one there to take care of his mom right now. He said that she isn't going to live much longer, and that he is just going to stay in Maine until she passes. Then he started going on about all of the things he has to do to take care of his mother properly and how hard it is for one person to do those things. Then I really lost it.
Through gritted teeth and in a loud voice, I told him that I could have helped, but he obviously doesn't want me there. He said, "I called you and told you that I'm in Maine." Then I really went off on him. He doesn't deny that his family pressured him into calling me to let me know where he is.
At one point he told me that I could come up there, if I want. I just screamed, "NO!" Before he said goodbye, he asked if I wanted him to call me when she passes away. I said, "That's really none of my business, is it?" He said, "Well, I'll call you anyway." He then said goodbye. I didn't say goodbye. I simply hung up the phone.
Was I rude? Yes. Was I out of line? Under the circumstances, probably. Do I care? Nope.
For the past few years, Tim has just ridden roughshod over me, shut me out, cut me off, and slammed one proverbial door after another in my face. Still, I was planning to be there for him. But, all he does is slam yet another door in my face. The sympathy that I felt for him has been burned down to ashes in the flames of my anger and pain. I'm in self-preservation mode now. Would my life really be any worse without him than it is with him?
My daughter has known about how Tim has been behaving for a while. I filled my mother in on him today. Both my mother and my daughter have told me that I can come live with them, if I want or need to.
Replies
I\'m glad you have support in your mother and daughter. It sounds like Tim has already left the relationship emotionally, if not physically. I find it surprising that he didn\'t \"see this coming,\" so to speak. Do what you have to do to protect yourself from the consequences of his behavior. We\'ll all be here to listen and to be \"present\" with you in spirit. Much love to you.
I agree with Trinufadora. You can\'t change someone else\'s behaviour, you can only change what you are prepared to accept. Emotional stress is not good for your health. And making the decision to no longer accept his bad behaviour will empower you instead of making you feel helpless, used and unappreciated which will result in anger. You can do all things through HIM who gives you strength. Love xxx
The relationship can\'t continue on in this way, it just is not working.Something has to shift.The stress will just wipe you out.If Tim doesn\'t love you enough to change and consider your feelings more, then this marriage may be on its last leg.However if he is shown the seriousness of the situation by you taking some action, as in leaving for a while, he just might reflect on his unfair behaviour At that point he might realize that he needs to change or he will lose you . There\'s still hope of things working Nancy.People can change especially when they are faced with loss of someone they do love.You will have to hang in there because Tim is about to lose his mother and although you are hurting and yes he is continuing to be insensitive, still you have to be compassionate towards his loss despite his behaviour.After this all passes by, you should then address the problems.If he doesn\'t budge then you leave and stand your ground and give him time to see how he feels without you.You can\'t keep feeling unloved and unappreciated in this marriage.You deserve to be loved and adored and happy. xoxo
This is a tough call, Nancy! No one knows how you really feel about the way he is treating you right now. This has been going on for a while. The man is selfish in his behavior and is mistreating you. I guess the most disturbing thing to me about his actions, is that he is preparing to go into the ministry. Something is OH SO wrong there. A true man of God would not treat his wife in this way. Not at all. This is wrong, sinful, selfish, irresponsible, hurtful. I don\'t see \"preacher\" in any of those characteristics.
I think, if it were me, I would let him know that I have options. I could go live elsewhere, since he doesn\'t seem to need or want you in his life, or to share in his personal affairs. This is not a marriage.
Pray about it. You have to. I don\'t think I could stay with a man who claimed to be a Christian man, studying to disciple others, when he himself is the worst possible example of what a Christian should behave like at home. That\'s it!
Nancy, I am glad you were able to get some things off your chest with Tim even if you had to do it while you were feeling so angry - sometimes that\'s the only way to get through to someone who won\'t listen. I am so glad your mom and daughter both offered to let you live with them if you need to. That is a tough decision to make, but hopefully the Lord will lead you to the right decision. Tim had abandoned you both emotionally and physically, and that is just not right!