Hiding out because I've been bad
I stopped coming to the site because I started gambling again. A new computer entered the home and off I went on a spree. It was premeditated. I planned on being bad, I new it and I did it anyway, I didn't want someone to tell me no. I had extremely bad news from my doctor. Trying to find a reason to keep living was hard enough, giving up gambling was......... can't even think of an answer. Yes I am back but I'm ashamed of myself. I'm jealous of everyone in my life, I'm jealous because they can work, they can play, they can have a day without pain, cold packs and painkillers. I'm mad because the physical therapist won't give me a reasonable recovery time. Anywhere between one to three years of recovery isn't good enough. What the heck am I suppose to do with all that down time? I think that the news shocked me so much that my recovery was derailed. I feel really pissed off, I read that eastwester said that nothing is a coincidence, so why out of the whole population am I the lucky 2% that has a uncontrollable immune response to shoulder surgery. My husband and family find it weird. I'm weird, I'm useless, what good can I do for my family now. Can't babysit my first newborn granddaughter, can't do good wifey things, I'm a waste of space. Gambling is the only thing on my mind because I don't know where to put this illness. If nothing is a coincidence then what am I supposed to learn from this? What supreme being in their right mind could ever think I could overcome this extreme boredom, loneliness, pain, anger. Its not like oh poor me, but honestly I've had my share of "rare" illnesses. This one is seriously kicking my butt. I really don't want to gamble, yet part of me really does want to gamble. Does that make any sense? I feel like if I could see some sunshine, something to look forward to, that maybe I would want to quit again. My brain is so foggy I can't even think of anything, I need help and I don't know where to go, don't even know what I need anymore, don't even know where to start. Wish we had a GA here. God I've even been robbed of caring for my first and probably only grandchild. I'm sorry but that is just cruel. As you can probably tell.... I'm angry and depressed about alot of things......sometimes gambling as bad as it is doesn't seem as bad as the rest of my life.