Hiding out because I've been bad

I stopped coming to the site because I started gambling again.   A new computer entered the home and off I went on a spree.  It was premeditated.  I planned on being bad, I new it and I did it anyway, I didn't want someone to tell me no.  I had extremely bad news from my doctor.  Trying to find a reason to keep living was hard enough, giving up gambling was......... can't even think of an answer.  Yes I am back but I'm ashamed of myself.  I'm jealous of everyone in my life, I'm jealous because they can work, they can play, they can have a day without pain, cold packs and painkillers.  I'm mad because the physical therapist won't give me a reasonable recovery time.  Anywhere between one to three years of recovery isn't good enough.  What the heck am I suppose to do with all that down time?  I think that the news shocked me so much that my recovery was derailed.  I feel really pissed off, I read that eastwester said that nothing is a coincidence, so why out of the whole population am I the lucky 2% that has a uncontrollable immune response to shoulder surgery.  My husband and family find it weird. I'm weird, I'm useless, what good can I do for my family now.  Can't babysit my first newborn granddaughter, can't do good wifey things, I'm a waste of space.  Gambling is the only thing on my mind because I don't know where to put this illness.  If nothing is a coincidence then what am I supposed to learn from this?  What supreme being in their right mind could ever think I could overcome this extreme boredom, loneliness, pain, anger.  Its not like oh poor me, but honestly I've had my share of "rare" illnesses.  This one is seriously kicking my butt.  I really don't want to gamble, yet part of me really does want to gamble.  Does that make any sense? I feel like if I could see some sunshine, something to look forward to, that maybe I would want to quit again.  My brain is so foggy I can't even think of anything, I need help and I don't know where to go, don't even know what I need anymore, don't even know where to start.  Wish we had a GA here.  God I've even been robbed of caring for my first and probably only grandchild.  I'm sorry but that is just cruel.  As you can probably tell.... I'm angry and depressed about alot of things......sometimes gambling as bad as it is doesn't seem as bad as the rest of my life. 

Replies

deleted_user
deleted_user

I don\'t see as how you have been bad at all...none of are bad.........the definition of \'being bad\' doesn\'t quite fit our definition of addiction.....like Mike said, only sick people getting well.
I have asked that very question before....\'why me?\"...don\'t know if I was waiting for a thunderous, resounding answer from above, or a lightening strike or what...never did find out why I was the chosen one, but I did make it thru to the other side of it.
You seem to think you have been robbed of caring for your precious little granddaughter.....you haven\'t been robbed of being there for her, teaching her things, watching her grow, you can start reading to her.....where there is a will there is a way....we are GRANNY\'s nothing can beat us down for very long.....
A couple of things that can be pretty devastating for us as addicts in recovery, loneliness and isolation. Although you don\'t have to be alone to feel lonely, isolating, or being isolated will have a major impact on our outlook..it ALWAYS makes it feel like we are totally alone in our fight.....whether it is a fight with emotions, illness, addiction, sometimes even in recovery.
The emotions that you described are real, they belong to you...own each and every one of them, then figure out what to do to correct each one...it\'s not going to go away on it\'s own, so you can choose to let them control your life, or you can choose to do something about how you feel. Almost 20 years ago was in a situation that I was told, even with surgery, I might not ever be able to walk again, much less without dragging one of my legs.....I can\'t tell you how devastated and pissed off I was...then it occurred to me, my recovery from it was dependent on my and how much work I was willing to do...it started with my frame of mind...heck yes there were setbacks, there were days I couldn\'t even get myself out of bed without first taking pain meds..........but the sheer determination to recover and heal my body, all started with my frame of mind.......at one point, someone could have changed my name to \'Useless\' and it wouldn\'t have mattered to me, cause that is exactly how I felt...then it dawned on me, (kind of a light bulb moment)....pain, anger and frustration go hand in hand, and I was that way every single day...the physical pain that I was in, which limited how and when I could live as close to a \'normal\' existence as possible, frustrated me, because I had previously been a very physically active person, that in turn made me very angry...I had to figure out a way to channel those emotions toward the positive, instead of ALLOWING them to be a negative force...I began to do exactly as Mike suggested to you...making those lists. Then putting those lists into action...I had to ACCEPT my physical limitations at the time, but worked toward bettering myself from the inside out, and slowly the healing began..it was a long, painful, and at times, heartbreaking road, but I made it, and so can you.....things are the way they are right now, but doesn\'t mean they will always be that way...that starts with you...baby steps, sometimes a few steps forward, and then a couple back, but nonetheless it can still be measured in increments of progress. Also, you have to remember that medicine is not an exact science...won\'t do you any good to get pissed off at the Physical Therapist for not giving you a recovery time frame....at least they didn\'t blow smoke up your butt and give you some off the wall time frame that would have only let you down even more.....Work work work on your physical recovery, concentrate on \'what can I do today\'....not on the what I CAN\'T do today.
Unfortunately, we don\'t know why things happen to us, especially the weird, rare, perhaps never seen before things...but maybe it is happening to you so that incase, GOD FORBID, it should happen to someone else, perhaps even someone close to you, they will know better how to treat it, or maybe even prevent something like this from happening to them..........
This may seem kind of harsh at times, but sometimes hearing what we already know to be true from someone else that has been thru it, can make a difference.
You aren\'t alone in this fight...keep journaling, keep reading, do what you can do each day to take even a baby step toward the light at the end of the tunnel.......turns out that light isn\'t always attached to a freight train......

always here for you
D