Hidden things

He hides things sometimes the simplest things from me.It makes me feel really bad. I tell him everything that is to do with us. the truth is we used to be more transparent but now he hides thing. he promises to be more open and i always find out he been hiding more and more things. i feel alone in this worl. Not just alone but disgusting. i get that ill never be enough but then he tells me i am and i believe him everytime. then he starts hating me all over again. i dont want to but i tell him to leave everytime if he needs to. he always just says i am all he wants. but i know this is not a true statement. he just maybe is comfortable with being with me because i am who he knows. god i am so sick inside. I am rotting inside. i just want to not feel this. i fear there is only a couple options. am i really willing to watse all my hard work. i shouldnt be but i weighs so heavily on my chest. ha everyone thingks i am so strong that my head is on right they are so used to me just stuffing or getting over it. but i am not sure i can do that anymore. depression possesses me. there is just no other way to explain it. it dark loathesome and evil. it has always been apart of me. 

I just wanted a family someone to love. i tricked myself into thinking it was capable for someone to love my rotting soul. no one can and no one eve will why would they. why would he. if i was with me i d runn out too. soon my kids will dislike me to the same degree as everyone else its already begining. but i will help them for as long as i can. its only so long he hates me and he is slowly coming to realize that fact. my head its all over the place tonight and my chest hurts and my arms are burning.