Hidden Depression
I realize now that I've been depressed for a while now. It's hard for me to recognize my emotions, so I have to go by clues that show me how I'm doing. I haven't been eating and I'm tired no matter how much I sleep, so that's an indication that I'm depressed. Add that to me not feeling well in general about things, and you have depression! I wish it was something else, but I don't know what else it could be. I don't feel well, and I'm kinda worried since when I walk in the heat my heart starts pumping really hard and it hurts my chest. I think I should go see the doctor about it when I have time, but I'm just worried that it's going to be something big. That or it's going to be nothing. I know since it's my heart they are going to get all worried and stuff and possibly send me to the ER, creating a bill I won't be able to pay. I know before I was all about going to the hospital, but that was different. That was mental stuff, which I know how to deal with. This other stuff, the physical stuff, I don't know how to deal with. I think it's just my body going all psychosomatic on me anyway and there's nothing wrong with me. There's only one way to find out, and that's to see a doctor. I'm going to go to the clinic when I wake up tomorrow and see if I can see a doctor before I go volunteer. I don't know what they are going to say, but that's why you go to the doctor, right? I should check my bank to see if I can afford it.. It's going to be $25 to see the doctor, plus whatever medications they give you. Since I have the special Medicaid, I don't get a discount on my medications. I wish I did, that would make life easier, but I don't. Maybe this problem going on in my body is why I'm depressed, I don't know.
I was hoping it was going to be different this year. I thought I could make it through October and not get depressed, but it's not looking like that's going to happen. I know it's still early, but I can't get my hopes up. I wish I could even hope, but hope is something that is beyond me right now. Well, I still have some hope, but not hope in myself. Hope that things are going to end up all right in the end. I say that things are always good in the end, and if it's not good, it's not the end. Right now that seems more optimistic than I feel, but it's what I say. I think it was triggered that night I wrote about my stepbrother and my dad. That's the last thing that I remember writing about before I got depressed. I had some good days after that, but not too many. I think the fall coming and the combination of the memories got to me. I wish I could get rid of this depression, but I don't know how to. I've been taking my medications, going to my doctors and therapist, and doing everything I can think of to keep myself good. I had a good August, but I don't know what caused it. I wish I knew so I could recreate it and give myself a good month every month. I don't think I was deluded in August, I think I had an honestly good month.
Food was okay today... I got my calories in at least. I could have eaten more veggies, but I didn't have too much access to them. I had leftover chicken teriyaki with onions for breakfast, ramen for lunch and chicken Alfredo for dinner. I think I could have thrown some veggies into the ramen like I sometimes do, but I didn't want to. I miss my salads already, but I'm out and I didn't think to look at the store today since I get them at another store where they are cheaper. I was supposed to volunteer today, but I just couldn't get up the energy to go. I have to go tomorrow, so after I see the doctor (if I see the doctor) I will see what they have for me to do. Stress was moderate today... I was on the bus and just stressed out about everything for no reason. Sleep was okay... I got 13 hours but I don't feel rested because of the depression.
I was hoping it was going to be different this year. I thought I could make it through October and not get depressed, but it's not looking like that's going to happen. I know it's still early, but I can't get my hopes up. I wish I could even hope, but hope is something that is beyond me right now. Well, I still have some hope, but not hope in myself. Hope that things are going to end up all right in the end. I say that things are always good in the end, and if it's not good, it's not the end. Right now that seems more optimistic than I feel, but it's what I say. I think it was triggered that night I wrote about my stepbrother and my dad. That's the last thing that I remember writing about before I got depressed. I had some good days after that, but not too many. I think the fall coming and the combination of the memories got to me. I wish I could get rid of this depression, but I don't know how to. I've been taking my medications, going to my doctors and therapist, and doing everything I can think of to keep myself good. I had a good August, but I don't know what caused it. I wish I knew so I could recreate it and give myself a good month every month. I don't think I was deluded in August, I think I had an honestly good month.
Food was okay today... I got my calories in at least. I could have eaten more veggies, but I didn't have too much access to them. I had leftover chicken teriyaki with onions for breakfast, ramen for lunch and chicken Alfredo for dinner. I think I could have thrown some veggies into the ramen like I sometimes do, but I didn't want to. I miss my salads already, but I'm out and I didn't think to look at the store today since I get them at another store where they are cheaper. I was supposed to volunteer today, but I just couldn't get up the energy to go. I have to go tomorrow, so after I see the doctor (if I see the doctor) I will see what they have for me to do. Stress was moderate today... I was on the bus and just stressed out about everything for no reason. Sleep was okay... I got 13 hours but I don't feel rested because of the depression.
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