Hi mom, how are you?
I have heard that if you have daughters they will more likely keep in contact as they grow up. Boys get married and tend to go toward his wife's family. Looking back I can say that that was bascially how it was for me. We did not ignore his family, but we were at my parents more. As my children have grown up (4 Boys) I have felt we have been close...i feel lucky that They have always came on Christmas Day, Easter and remember my Birthday...and when times get rough for them they call me....i like that they do, but rather things didn't get rough for them. Now on the other hand, my husband has a boy and girl and the are seemingly go toward their mother. But for both of us things seem to be the same. For instance if there are no problems, we don't hear from them. It is sad how life has changed. Before my mom went to the nursing home I called her probably 4 times a day. We are lucky to hear from ours 4 times a year. I have heard my husband ask his children all I want for Christmas is a phone call once a month and it doesn't happen. Sad and he stays sad. I decided not to call one of my son to see how long before he would think to call me. 3 months before I heard from him. So that seems to be the way of life in this new times for us. I know people are busy which is the excuses we hear. Well so was I raising 4 boys, taking care of a husband with cancer, working part time and full time college but there is not one day passed that I did not call my mom. We have cell phone, phones attached to our ears, picture phone. Really every possible way to contact someone is there. Easier than ever in my life time. But it has been for us we have to call them to see how busy they are. Sometimes I wonder if we disappeared when would they notice. Years ago people would walk miles in the cold deep snow to see their loved ones. Today in the comfort of our home or car or bike or anywhere we have the ability to reach someone we love just to let them know we are thinking of you, love you. But these are our times. Life changes as techology changes. What used to be hard to contact our loved ones can now be done with a touch of the fingers. Are we being taken for grated I ask myself, if I am always there when they need something, am I making it too easy as they know I will always be there in a time of need. Yet here I am week after week wondering when will the phone ring and not from a sales person but when or how long do I wait to hear from my children. Maybe the next time the call comes that they have a problem, I will just say I am too busy. Well, not anytime soon will that be. After all I am their parent and I know I will always be here for them. Maybe one day they will find some time to call and say Hi mom, How are you doing?
Replies
I\'m sur4e you would be instantly missed if you disappeared Sandi. Sometimes we don\'t notice the little things when we are down. The other day my son Jim called from the grocery store and asked if I wanted him to pick up some bananas for me because they were looking good and he knows I love bananas. It\'s those little things that matter. Our children may forget our birthdays or mother\'s day but in the big scheme of things that\'s not important.
I can say my tries to be attentive and he is married but does not have children. I get the occasional dinner or I visit them but it is at my prompting. A lot of my friends who are alone say the same things about sons and when they take a wife he is hers for the rest of his life, as the saying goes. I have recently decided to see also how long it takes until they invite me to do something. They do lots with her side and her sisters and I guess they look at it as I have my siblings to do things with.
After losing Bill and I know how hard it was on Andy I just want him to be happy and not put any stress in his life,even though I feel like I would love to do more things with him and his wife. They are both good people and are there for lots of people and would be their for me if I needed them so that is all I exspect. Yes I think it is harder if you do not have a spouse. I do have twin nieces I try and spend time with and they are my daughters . Wishing you well. Hugs Lynette
I hear you Sandi. I think part of the reason I am not dealing with losing Lisa is that she did call. She called with good news, bad news and everything in between. When we were teaching abroad, she called - in Prague, China, Russia - well you get the picture.
I know Andrew loves us dearly but he is not a talker and doesn\'t often call. However when the chips are down, he is there - as I expect your kids would be too.
I think you are right - it is a different world these days. My beautiful granddaughter does not call. I know she cares but she is of the new generation.
Take care, Love and hugs, Marlene
This just sucks!! They call who they want all the time. I don\'t have anyone to call and I really wish it was not this way!!!!
I am hoping for the grace of healing soon!!!!! Love to all, Kathy
Your comments sound so true. Yes mine are there when I don\'t know exactly. It\'s as they have their own families they are busy. They have watched their mom me go through so much on life and still standing as they see on the other side. I feel it is hard and basically it is just one son\'s family that her family is every where. You might see me in one or two, but I also know the wife puts it all together so it is to be expected. Ken text me a lot and called a lot after his cancer. Brent going through his divorce for three years now has called nearly every day then he called said something that really hurt me. After so much we have done for him and now I can Text and never hear from him. Whatever it is maybe oneday it will pass and we will become close again. We have given three years of our time, money, food and other things to help yet he was upset about something that happened years ago. It would seem with the loss we all have experienced our children would know we need them. Yet my husbands children do him the same and there is not a loss in their family. Past is the past and it is over. I do not understand grudges. Someday maybe the new generation will understand. Your family is the most important thing one has. I hope for all that goes through this thing will change. Until then we just keep on loving them cause they are are childern and we have lost before through death which is the worst so we can get through this. Yes my children would be there for me if I need them. It would be better if our children would just be there.
Thank you for writing this Sandi. I\'m on the other end....I\'m the daughter in-law to a wonderful woman whom I adore, and yet, I do not often call....and my husband calls even less frequently.....maybe once every couple of months. My excuse? I\'m not a \"phone person\".....and my MIL is one who\'ll talk for hours on the phone. My husband and I actually have a mini battle when the phone rings and it\'s her.....deciding who will talk to her. What a shameful thing for me to admit! What a shameful thing for me to do! I hope and pray she isn\'t sitting at home wishing I\'d call.....that thought breaks my heart. Today I will call her and tell her how much I love her and let her talk as long as she\'d like. After all, I DO love her.....and she\'s 82 so I won\'t be able to call her forever. Thanks for opening my eyes Sandi.
I hope your sons call soon.
I was the one who kept up on all things family, I kept Mike intouch with his Mom and Dad and I kept up withmy Dad.I had lost my Mom 3 yrs before I got married so I wanted to keep everyone close.
My Son always called or came over when he had a problem with Tara, he wanted my advise. Why are they always so good then God says my turn........
I was just talking about this very thing with my friend. It seems like this generation just don\'t care about their parents. If I call my daughter she ends up yelling at me, so I\'ve learned not to call. So for a while I\'d call her children, but now that they are older, teenagers, they don\'t want to hear from me either. I give up. Unless I have something to tell her, I don\'t call. It\'s killing me, but I try not to think about it. I try hard to make a life without them, but it\'s not easy. I was brought up with an extended family. They are all gone now and we are alone.
My parents always lived out of state and I called them once a week. I got to decide when because life was always crazy here and as soon as the phone would ring my kids would go crazy. Those were the days with phones still with \"cords\" so they knew just how long ours reached and craziness would be happening on the other end of the cord. LOL!
My late mom used to say that my first responsibility was to myself, my husband, my children and then to my parents. I think because she gave me so much wiggle room I knew that to check in weekly was something that I wanted to do. I now do this with my daughter and allow her to call when it\'s a good time for her. Texting is so nice too because I can let her know I\'m thinking of her and chances are as soon as I do the phone will be ringing.
There are no rights or wrongs with this, yet it hurts your heart so have you told your sons what you need? Sometimes I think we believe that they must \"know\" and they do not so to guide them in that direction might be a beginning of some meaningful dialogue? Just wondering?
I have no doubt your sons love and think of you so I hope you can let them know how this feels for you and perhaps open their eyes on something that they are just not thinking about and need to be.
Loving care as you sort through what you need and share your feelings and heart with your sons (once again, perhaps.) Deepest of sighs...
XO Joanie