hi its my first day

hello all. this is my first time ever on this site, in fact its the first time ever joining a support group.. but i am sincerely struggling with my ability to see this abuse for what it is. i am reaching out because.. well because i need more help! which is baffling because i have support from so many loved ones. loved ones who are aching for me, boosting my morale, consistently in my corner. at this point i am hurting them as much as myself for continuing on this destructive path of... hope?

i guess ill start by introducing myself? ill just do the honest thing here im 27 years old i come from a very loving, respectful and loyal family. acceptance has always been instilled in my general morality my whole life. i was raised to know right from wrong, and to always treat people with kindness and respect. i grew up in a small town, i love my dog. im a leo!! holler if you're fortunate enough to be a fellow leo :) i am proud, i am loud, i am strong willed. mom always says trying to get me to do what u want is like trying to nail jello to the wall. idk what that means but everyone else does lol. my closest friends and family appreciate my ability to bring sunshine to their lives and i pride myself on making people happy, ensuring a sense of peace and warmth to my people. i am very family oriented, i am accepting of all (well, most). and i put my best foot forward to help where help is needed.

i am in a mentally and emotionally abusive relationship. i am consistently insulted, bullied, belittled. to my face and behind my back. i am lied to, i am brutally and viciously made fun of. i am sincerely confused with my insistent tendency to.. live in the dark? ignore the sickening and blatantly clear manipulation? endure horrible turmoil? question my own self worth? HOW. WHY. SINCE WHEN??

im dating a narcissist. a hollow, underdeveloped, self loathing person. id say man but.. i dont think he truly menally or emotionally aged past the age of.. maybe 22. this person is 43 years old ladies and gentlemen. his life is a wreck.. he disrespects his mother, he has never once taken responsibility for anything wrong in his life. in three years of dating him, he has sold his house, lost the entire 150k playing professional poker, disassociated with his own father over money and land, started 8 projects to finish zero, threatened my father, on my porch, and continues to blame me. this person does not have the capacity or even the ability to sympathize with another human. this person.. has not gone one single day without talking to me. right? like im saying since the day we met.. we have spoken every single day. i wont deny the good times the fun times the giggles the dreams the inside jokes the SEX the trips and the adventures. the truth is we cant get enough of each other. but WHY, for every one good thing that happens.. five horrid things follow. he has cheated on me he has lied to my face on a regular basis he has blamed me for every bad day, every dollar lost, every argument he had with his boss. he talks shit about my family. (remember how i said we hold true to acceptance and open door policy in this family) he talks shit about my friends, my dog, my job, my car.  he isolates me from my entire world. he has demanded that i no longer speak to certain people. friends i have had who have never done me wrong. people who cared about me.. i had to talk to them in secret because he prohibitted me from associating with them. he begs for three somes with the hot ones tho. tells me what he would do to my mother, sexually. my sister. my friends. his exes. ugh this guy keeps in contact with his girlfriend before me. checking on her making sure she has money and is happy. this one time we were having a text argument (go figure.. 43 years old and would rather abuse me through written word) and i expressed my very personal feelings. this man sent his ex what i said. she posted it on social media. when i was upset broken down on my knees in humiliation and utmost betrayal, his explanation was.. she was sad and he wanted her to feel okay. by sharing my deep personal pain. i was disgusted. he punishes me through threats, through mental abuse, using every cuss word, the lowest of low demeaning name calling. just plain cruelty.

and yet, hes charismatic. hes funny, hes goofy hes flirty hes lovable.

heres what i think. i dig a little deeper into my codependance. ive been in two serious, long term relationships before him. they were great! respectful, kind, loving. passionate, accepting and understanding.. handsome gentlemen. they became part of my family they treated mine with loyalty, and i theirs. our worlds became one. we blended into a synchronized happy art form. cooperation and compromise and true understanding. and then, the sex fell off. in both of these wonderful, happy, nearly perfect teams.. the sex eventually grew boring, then dutiful, then just plain repulsive. (why? i have no idea.. something else i am working on uncovering). with my narcissist though.. the world of sex is a whole new world for me. we connect in a way i never knew existed. and through all of the pain and suffering of the daily relationship.. the sex and the passion somehow just continues to grow and reach new heights and feel more connected than i ever thought was possible.

i have to admit to you now. because i have gone on about only one side of this long redundant life story. in the three years i have been with this person, i progressively grew colder, desensitized if you will, to causing pain as well. ive begun attacking his inner most guilts, his deepest personal pain. my anger has reached a scary level. the frustration that boils within, while battling with someone this non receptive to any other idea than his own. i have scared myself, i have frightened my family ive screamed at my dog ive beaten the floor till my knuckles bled. ive left, ive cussed, ive ran, ive refused to help him.. all of these done with the intent to hurt him. i dont like that. i dont agree with any of that. this relationship as a whole is taking me out of my character. i hold myself at a high standard to treat others with kindness. so this is scary for me yall.

my family, my friends, the ones who have real love. theyre hurting. theyre watching my sparkle disappear. its affected my job, my friendships, my overall well being. ive lost an unhealthy amount of weight. ive divuldged in unhealthy distractions. i have seeked counciling, only to be mocked and treated like a weak minded cry baby. i have tried to accept, i have tried to remind myself that we were raised completely differently, we come from two extreme opposing worlds. he was never really shown love from his family so i try to be more compassionate and understanding of his closed off behavior. i have tried to leave, block him from contacting me. and then i remember that sad little boy with puppy dog eyes begging for a home. i remember the times he brought me home some weird artifact he found while working because it was pretty and he thought of me. the phone calls where an oldies song comes on the radio and he just holds up the phone to the speaker while hes driving so i can listen with him. he installed a light switch on my side of the bed.. because its always my "job" to turn off the light before bed and now i dont have to get up. thats almost kind of sick in a way but to him thats thoughtful. but the bottom line is.. no matter how sad or neglected this person may be.. nothing will ever fix him. he is damaged beyond repair and i will continue to be the scape goat, the target, the (verbal) punching bag. it wont be long before he wears me so far down that i cant even recognize myself.

i pray. i pray hard for strength to get myself out of this disaster. i am in desperate need of the courage to walk away and never look back. everyone in my life has begged me.. and now i am begging myself. i have to go. i have to get my life back my smile back my dignity and grace and self love back into my heart. i cant let my future be in danger of a successful life due to a damaged past. i cant go so far that im broken and unfixable. i sprinkle my sunshine everywhere i go. but i need to dump it on myself right now or its going to run out.

i dont know if im reaching anyone at all. maybe i just wrote all of that to myself. if thats the case.. girl go. u can not heal in a place that continues to cause you pain. you can not ignore any of the horrid, disturbing, evil things you just typed. you can not attack any more floors, or cause any more pain to any person! you are beautiful, you are super cute and hilarious and adored. youre brave and intelligent and not only do you deserve a happy life, but you were born to live in the light and bring others to it. close mindedness (at the very least in this case) is incurable. let them stay in the darkness. they like it there. its stinks. it smells like cat pee and you dont belong there. go chase the flowers go dance in the rain hunny you are so bright. i love you girl. love, me.