Hi it's me .....

Well, yesterday was your birthday... forever 49 , stayed home all day and didn't leave the house, shed a few tears, reflected, remembered , asked why , asked what's next, prayed to be relieved of my sadness, lack of energy, anti social leave me alone attitude, self pity.
Wishing I would get an appetite I eat to live and have lost 8 pounds , I have to force myself to drink protein drinks for energy and calories... 
I did all my Well Women exams last week, pap, mamm, bone scan, blood work.... I am in peri menopause as my hormones are out of wack, after googling it appears my depression and anxiety are most likely being fueled by this,  along with the 2nd anniversary of your death and your birthday... it all shall pass as I have no desire to be put back on an anti anxiety / depression drug, the side effects to me are worse than the depression, and I wonder what they do to the body..
sick of the insomnia, nights sweats and hot flashes all throughout the day ... 
per the doctor & my google search .. cut the caffeine. sugar, salt.... alcohol , oh by the way 18 months with no alcohol whoo hooo ... don't miss it best thing I ever did for me... well we are headed to the beach me and your babies, they still miss you and are my best buddies ... I was so sad to lose Sam & then Ben but my comfort is knowing you now have 2 of our fur kids with you and I imagine the joy in your face when they ran into your arms... I know you are at peace and pain free... I feel you in my heart , I really really  feel you, I know you want me to be happy that's is all you ever wanted for me but I will miss you for the rest of my life .... I love you , Baby & Bug love & miss you too ... XO