Hey, It's 9/10/11!
I woke up this morning feeling like crap. I slept for 14 hours last night and in general didn't feel good. I saw Geo had eaten a bunch of ground beef I had saved for myself and that hurt. I started first feeling hurt, then angry. I went from angry to depressed. Geo was sleeping when I woke up, and when he woke up I told him about how I didn't like what he had done, so that started his morning off bad. He wants me to tell him when I'm mad as soon as I can, though, so I was just doing what he asked. It's not like I was going to wake him up and tell him that I was mad.. that would be a good way to start a fight. We didn't fight today, we ended up getting along, but that comes later. Geo got up, and I lay in bed. When I'm depressed, all I want to do is lie in bed. I was in bed and I hear Geo cleaning, and I'm glad that he's cleaning up since our house was a mess. I haven't had the energy between work and now this costochondritis to clean, so it's been messy in here. Anyway, he was playing music on while he was cleaning and the “Bad Day” song came on and made me get out of bed. I started cleaning with Geo and felt better. I apologized for having an attitude with him earlier and told him I was feeling depressed and all that. We sat and just cleaned and spent time together (not really talking, though) for a while. It was nice. I just sat there and looked at him, and he was showing me some things on his new camera.
I gave him an Office Depot gift card I had, and he used it up as soon as I gave it to him. I got annoyed that he did that, even though I had given it to him and was eager to get rid of it. I just feel that it could have gone to better use than the things he got (a new monitor for his computer and a video game), but I should have known. He's not very responsible with money, and used it for things he wanted like he always does instead of things he needs. He might not need anything from there now, but he might in the future. I don't know.... I know I'm being picky about this and it's annoying, but I just feel that since I gave him the card he should have used it for things I approved of. Yeah, I'm being annoying (to myself) and selfish. I should just let him enjoy his new things when he gets them. I don't know if he's going to go pick them up tomorrow or if he's going to get them delivered. He's going over to his dad's tomorrow to watch football.
That's another thing. I know he likes football, and tomorrow's the opening game for his team, the Giants, but I wish he would stay home with me. I'm not feeling well, and there's no way I can make it over at his dad's tomorrow. Not with all the chaos and commotion going on. I can barely make it at home, not to mention a loud unfamiliar place. I don't know what I'm going to do for dinner, since he's going to be over there for dinner and I will be on my own. I don't have a lot of things for dinner just for myself, since most of the stuff I get is for him. That's why him eating the ground beef hurt so much. He has hot dogs, ham, chicken, bread, soup and more, and he eats the one thing I was saving for myself. I don't eat his stuff without asking, so I expect the same courtesy from him. I forget I live with a food addict, and if it can go into his mouth and he likes it, it's going to get eaten no matter what. I wish he was more considerate, but I don't know what to do about that. He's an addict, and I'm afraid of stepping on anyone's toes. I want him to do things for me that I do for him, but he doesn't know the things I do for him because I don't say. I don't tell him the times I go hungry so he can have food. I'm just worried that he's going to make a big fuss over it, telling me I shouldn't, but I don't know any other way. It's like the time I was at the store and I cried over getting a 79 cent can of tuna for myself because we were low on food stamps and I felt like I wasn't worth the money, that it would be better off going to him so he could eat. I've come a bit farther since then, but when I'm depressed like this I regress and go back to that.
Food today was good... I ate my calories and I'm losing weight still! I'm down to a new low of 240.5. I know this is depression weight loss, and I'm at risk for gaining it back when I feel better, but I'm just happy for now. Stress was moderate today, with the anger getting in my way and the whole not feeling appreciated thing, but I'm working on it. Sleep, I got too much but that's depression for you, and mood is okay despite generally feeling depressed.
I gave him an Office Depot gift card I had, and he used it up as soon as I gave it to him. I got annoyed that he did that, even though I had given it to him and was eager to get rid of it. I just feel that it could have gone to better use than the things he got (a new monitor for his computer and a video game), but I should have known. He's not very responsible with money, and used it for things he wanted like he always does instead of things he needs. He might not need anything from there now, but he might in the future. I don't know.... I know I'm being picky about this and it's annoying, but I just feel that since I gave him the card he should have used it for things I approved of. Yeah, I'm being annoying (to myself) and selfish. I should just let him enjoy his new things when he gets them. I don't know if he's going to go pick them up tomorrow or if he's going to get them delivered. He's going over to his dad's tomorrow to watch football.
That's another thing. I know he likes football, and tomorrow's the opening game for his team, the Giants, but I wish he would stay home with me. I'm not feeling well, and there's no way I can make it over at his dad's tomorrow. Not with all the chaos and commotion going on. I can barely make it at home, not to mention a loud unfamiliar place. I don't know what I'm going to do for dinner, since he's going to be over there for dinner and I will be on my own. I don't have a lot of things for dinner just for myself, since most of the stuff I get is for him. That's why him eating the ground beef hurt so much. He has hot dogs, ham, chicken, bread, soup and more, and he eats the one thing I was saving for myself. I don't eat his stuff without asking, so I expect the same courtesy from him. I forget I live with a food addict, and if it can go into his mouth and he likes it, it's going to get eaten no matter what. I wish he was more considerate, but I don't know what to do about that. He's an addict, and I'm afraid of stepping on anyone's toes. I want him to do things for me that I do for him, but he doesn't know the things I do for him because I don't say. I don't tell him the times I go hungry so he can have food. I'm just worried that he's going to make a big fuss over it, telling me I shouldn't, but I don't know any other way. It's like the time I was at the store and I cried over getting a 79 cent can of tuna for myself because we were low on food stamps and I felt like I wasn't worth the money, that it would be better off going to him so he could eat. I've come a bit farther since then, but when I'm depressed like this I regress and go back to that.
Food today was good... I ate my calories and I'm losing weight still! I'm down to a new low of 240.5. I know this is depression weight loss, and I'm at risk for gaining it back when I feel better, but I'm just happy for now. Stress was moderate today, with the anger getting in my way and the whole not feeling appreciated thing, but I'm working on it. Sleep, I got too much but that's depression for you, and mood is okay despite generally feeling depressed.
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