Here we go...

So thursday i had a strong urge to go and get a journal and start making entries on a daily basis so i could have something to take with me to my doc,therapist and psyc val appointments ( Along with this ) Ive been jotting down everything that comes to me WHEN it comes to me...I dont know but maybe this will make them see everything that i think,feel,hate and dream about,But if this wont open there eyes then i WILL be done with trying to get help because i cant afford to go anywhere else and its really starting to piss me off so if this doesnt work then the only option i have left for me is to just curl up in a ball in my room and just pray that i can wait there long enough until i get better or just go away because im sick of fighting for my sanity and well being. Hell i cant even get into the right kind of music anymore....all i can bring myself to listen to is sad johnny cash and other heart breakers like it im trying to fight but im getting to tired and even my body doesnt want to do it any longer and mind body and soul are just ready to collapse on top of one another - its enevitable that this will happen and pointless for me to fight it any longer.
And its just to real for me to handle.
Just to damn real
And im scared that my wife is getting fed up with me just like she did 6 years ago and if she leaves again i have no doubt in my mind that i will hang myself in the garage right then and there because i cannot hurt like that again im pretty sure that when it happened 6 years ago i had either a mild heart attack or a stroke all because i just cant live without her.... i just cant