here we go again
Friday 5-9-08 was 1year for Bruce. I've been trying for now 1 year and 2days to get over him being gone. I feel like crap right now,but for the last few days I was ok. I cant stand these up and down emotions. I apologize but I thought that reading the emotional ups and downs on this site was contributing to my dispair. I've come to realize its just the way it is. I cant stand it. I am so afraid that 5-10 years from now this is how its going to be. I wont make it.All weekend everyone was here and couldnt believe how great I was doing, I couldnt believe how great I was doing. Now everyone is gone and I feel horrible. I need to know this sadness isnt going to last forever.I want this ride to stop and I am so sick of saying that. When is it going to end. I'm glad you all were so understanding when I decided to take a break. I was trying anything I could think of to start on with my life. I hate that its still on my mind all the time. I dont want to only be Bruces widow I want to be Lori again. I long for that more than I long for his arms around me. I'm always realistic and try not to long for him to be with me,long for his arms around me. Why would I want to put myself through that,long for something I know can never happen again. Thats what gets me so worried about longing for a normal happy life because I'm so afraid it may never happen again. I need to be happy again and for more than a few days at a time. You cant run away from grief it has this uncanny way of finding you.
Replies
Dear Lori, I think you are just expecting too much from yourself too soon. When my first son,Paul died(he was my baby at 29 yrs, old.) the first year I was mostly still in a schocky state. The second year was harder than the first year was for me. Even my Doctor told me to slow down, and stop expecting to be \"over it.\" You lost your life\'s partner. You lost your true love, and best friend. A husband like Bruce is so many things to you, that it is just left so much empty spaces in your heart. I lost 2 kids. That was all I had. I do still have my husband to share the awful grief and pain with. Yhat helps some. My love and Prayers are with you. You will be up and down for a long time. It is a long process to heal after loosing someone that you loved so ver much. Love and may God comfort you,Peggy
I had a doctor tell me a few months ago...Glenda one day you will wake up and find Glenda again..untill then it is o.k to grieve..I told her I was so lost...
Like a flower Lori I believe that with sun, food, water, and love we will emerge. We have been trampled upon and it is going to take us awhile to grow again, but we will. I know exactly how you feel too, I am trying to find any method to help me move along quicker, and I am realizing that like you said this pain, grief, manages to find you. Wish I knew the magic hiding place from it. I understand that you need to do whatever it is and everyone does to try to go down this path more easily. I soooo feel like you do. There never was a true ALICE , it was always Jim and Alice. LIke a baby, how do we learn to walk again and find our true selves. In plain English, I do not know who the hell I am right now. I am like a person walking around with amnesia.We will do it in time, I never had much patience but I am learning. Just know, that whatever you feel you need to do or say, I\'m here.... Love, Alice
Lori,
I just want to let you know that you are not alone and I am still going through the ups and down since Tex\'s death. I just have to keep reminding myself like you everyone grieves in their own way. We have to learn to just take one day at a time and believe me I also go through the emotions that you are going through and also hate it. Henrietta my councilor says that every individual is differant and nomatter what we will always have a special place in our hearts and miss them. Please remember that he love you so much and his watching over you my friend. Hang in their and here for you if you want to talk my friend