Here we go again!

Well, we have had ongoing issues with David (lying, etc.)  Cleaned out his room a few weekends ago and found empty match books all over.  Had the big discussion where I begged, pleaded, screamed, stood on my head to try to get across to him that playing with matches is extremely bad and dangerous.  Understand that David is 12, naturally curious (I get this), but head strong and willful.  He has lived with us over 8 years now.  He KNOWS I am a claims adjuster and deal with FIRES all day long in people's homes.  I deal with loss of homes and belongings, and loss of pets and even loss of a loved one.  (To this day, THANK GOD, have not had to deal yet with the death of a child.  My coworker did have a claim where a child died.)  I never want to face that family to talk about replacing Aunt Mille's china when they have lost their child.  So this is a passionate subject for me.  I thought we had this all cleared up.  Paul found matches again in his pockets and there were burn marks in the yard IN THE PINE NEEDLES!  OMG!  OK.  Had to take a deep breath and calm as I could explained to him that pine needles when dry, burn up and out of control, REALLY FAST.  David really loves Kona, our dog.  I went over with him how bad he would feel if the house burned and something happened to Kona.  I have to pat myself on the back because I want to scream and I even wanted to spank him (out of anger and fear.)  I didn't.  I think I got through this time.  I pray.  But I could read his face and Ithink for the first time, I truly saw the fear of what could have happened in his eyes.   Then, Paul and David were arguing on Monday about studying spelling words.  (OMG another issue for oh, let's say, 8 YEARS!)  David actually comes home from school on Tuesday and says "Look Mom and Dad.  I got a 100 on my spelling test."  Paul says "Oh, I thought you said the spelling test was on Thursday?"  He says "oh, I forgot.  It was today."  Today, Paul looks at the "test" and says he thinks David forged it.  Calls the teacher.  Yep!  David wrote all his spelling words out and then had a kid put red ink on it:  100% 20/20, good job!  Snagged again!  when is this kid going to learn!  Ugh!  My husband was livid.  I understand. He feels betrayed.  And yes, I feel betrayed every time he lies.  But there is a little part of me that chuckled over this (to myself) over the kid's intelligence and ingenuity.   The teacher must have said something to him in school.  He was quite contrite when he got home.  He is writing "I will not play with matches" to infinity at this point.   In spite of it all, got to the Y bright and early and got in my 35 minutes on the treadmill and some upper body weights.  Did not complete the whole routine but got some in.  Worked from home today.  Got a lot done.  Probably the most productive day I have had in many months.  I actually felt good today at 4:30pm about what I accomplished.  I haven't felt like that in so long.  I need a few more days like that to start bouncing back.  I am going to push myself to get up early tomorrow and get my butt to the Y again.  I am sure the exercise helped.

Replies

deleted_user
deleted_user

What a tough job you have. I think that the talk with David was good as far as explaining the what if\'s and Kona. Even his belongings, he would be very upset if they all were gone. Kids are smarter than we think. I remember having to write when I was younger, no fun - stiff fingers :) Yay for getting to the Y - JUST DO IT Attitude is best! Get it out of the way even if first thing in the morning right! I do have more energy when I do it in the morning, gets me thru the day too w/a positive attitude for sure. I can\'t remember when I was last upset about something, good feeling. Not as moody these days either :) I know you can do it and I know you want it more than anything, it\'s up to you to remind yourself what it is that you want out of life and soon you will find it just like I did. I commented on your last journal too. Take care and here for ya anytime - thanks for being a good friend. Kathy
deleted_user
deleted_user

Very scarey about the matches! Wish I had answers but all I have is a shoulder and a Hug. I wonder if he actually saw a burned house....

Great going with the exercise. When I get upset/angry I do crunches with a vengence!

Hope you have a great weekend.
deleted_user
deleted_user

I am sure that David had a lot of scary things happen to him in the past. One thing I know: He was burnt multiple times with cigarettes. Maybe this is a control thing? He is fascinated and curious, but also trying to control something (fire) that was used to control him when he was little?

My fear is that maybe I read into things too much. Is this natural kid curiosity or something more because of his past abuse? I mean, I see kids burn houses down on a regular basis playing with matches and it has nothing to do with being abused. (Got a new fire this week with kids and matches.) But still....
deleted_user
deleted_user

Oh my, these things aren\'t in the parenting manual for us, are they? Those are some difficult challenges there. Good for you for staying calm and not screaming. Good job with the exercise - bet that felt good when it was done!
deleted_user
deleted_user

Could you take him to the fire dept. to get a demo of how destructive a fire could be, or do you think this would peak his interrest more? Maybe if it\'s explained to him by a source not so involved in his life, where he can actually witness the devestating effects....? Just a thought. I hope that you got through to him though sweetie. What a scarey thing.
deleted_user
deleted_user

Hope everything works out dear!
deleted_user
deleted_user

I wish sometimes we could get inside these children\'s heads and really see what they were thnking...don\'t you? This has made me think of just asking my son now...now that he has gotten past doin those things and see what was going on...hmmmm I am curious... I will let you know when and if i find out anything K! I just thought of doing that after reading this journal... Since my son was so much like yours is.
Hang in there...you are doing good! I know it is really hard...esp when you and your hub differ in your approach...been there, done that too! :/
(((((((HUGE HUGS)))))))
deleted_user
deleted_user

P.S. Great job on keeping up with the excercise and all!!!