Here it comes again
I have actually been doing pretty well for a couple months. Working full time and busy leaves me less time for depression. Panic attacks and anxiety happen on a regular basis, but "blue" days not so much.
Going to be really hard to go to work this morning. I am once again driving people away without really understanding why.
Last night hubby says there is an event with a group we belong to on Saturday. He didn't want to go. They cancelled the one two weeks ago so I did. He said ok, but he is on call at work and so I need to RSVP and let them know he might have to leave.
I said fine I would email oldest son who also goes and ask for a ride if hb gets called in. Went to talk to middle son as he usually comes. He was slightly frustrated and said really late notice. Told him I just found out when his dad told me. Didn't think there was anything this weekend. He just repeated really late notice so no clue if he planned to go or not.
This morning I went to RSVP and there was nothing on Saturday just Friday night. Went and asked hubby if he had read the post. He said he had and hadn't been able to find a location for Saturday. I told him I read it was an overnight ending at 6am and asked if he read the little part under the event notice.
Oh that started it. Was just trying to find out where he read there was more on Saturday. THought maybe I missed something. Apparently I screwed it up like I do everyone I talk to. "bad tone" they tell me. He started raging how all he'd done was misread something and well everyone could just blame him. It was all his fault, middle son was going to hate him for this....
I just continually offend people. Youngest told me again yesterday that I get this tone of voice that is just awful. To me it is calm and rational and making sure I do not yell, snipe, snap or anything else. Just very calm and level sounding, but they all hate it. Guess I used it this morning.
Feel sunk into that black pit again where I should live alone forever and never speak to another human as all I do is make them hate me. I never have any friends, my own mother doesn't care about me any more.... It would be better if I didn't exist. Don't know if I can make it through work today. I want to be alone. I should be alone. No one wants me anyway. WHy should they. I have nothing to offer anyone, but a tone of voice that makes them feel less and makes them angry at me.
I am so worthless...
Replies
I am just going to say it as I see it
first your son schould not of been frustrated with you .....you just found out your self ...there is no reason he couldent explained a little more to you ....that was just rude ...
you did not screwed up ..your husband screwed up ..and dident like it when ...he thought he was being founf out .,I will bet he doesent like to be wrong much.................his responce to you .saying ....raging on you was childish ...and telling you everyone could just lame him for everything is abusive .....you might not think it is abuce but if you think about how it makes you feel when he does this to you ...he is shutting you out ..shutting off any hope of conversation ....and.trying to make you feel guilty ..for somthing he did ....that is abuce ......my husband use to do that to me all the time until I had him to see my phicatrist and had my phicatrist explain a few things to him he stoped doing that ..and now we talk ........................
you did nothing wrong ......all you wanted was a little more information ......nothing more ..there is nothing wrong with that .....I like to have a little more information ...
this is also a learned behavour and your sons probuly learned it from there father ......if you have a counclour maby you could talk to them about how to go about stoping this behavour ....it is only hurting you .....and schould not be happening ..no one deserves that treatment ................so put the blame ware it realy lys with them and not with you ................
I will keep you in my prayers over this ....sending you my love and light .....take very good care of your self ...God bless my friend
Sometimes I really want counselling, but it is so expensive, about $100 a month even with the insurance. Hard to get insurance to pay too. Have to get a referral from main doc and then only get 8 viits before have to reapply all over again. Your words are so kind and supportive. Thank you.