Here I'm free

Here I'm free to express what is going through my mind. I can talk freely about my depression, my quirks, I can talk about how a certain man gives me heart palpitations, about how my cat is the bed thing in my life. I don't feel condemned because of how I am. Here I am better.

I tried to kill myself a week ago. I wrote a goodbye text to my bestfriend as I chocked on a mouth full of pills. I tried to relax and feel the music. I had put on my favorite band just to be understood.... I know that might not make sense but to me it completely does. I had accepted death. Wanted ever so badly to embrace it. Then my bestfriend called and called so I picked up. After a short while on the phone with him he talked me into throwing them up. Throwing up everything as if I can purge out the bad thoughts, like I can vomit up my own heart. Morbid I know....

I guess I regret it right now. Regret trying to leave everyone I've ever known. Over this never ending pain in my soul. I regret that I made my little sister cry as tell me how much I hurt her. I regret trying to run away from my rejection and heart ache, trying to out run my own mistakes.

I just wish I had someone to tell how much I'm hurting.
Enough of the sad talk though, I am alive. I am alive.


I can't stop thinking about HIM though. I wonder sometimes is he realizes how he makes my heart skip beats. I wishfully think he feels the same.... But can I even be good enough? I just want to be by his side. Lift him up, lift that self esteem. Make those blue eyes bright, get him to smile that intoxicating smile. Wishful thinking lol. Maybe he can like me too. Friendship is okay though if that's all he wants... His kiss makes my knees weak an I've only ever felt that once before. When we get done hanging out my legs literally shake.... That's awkward. Ugh. I wish he knew I just want to treat him right.