Here I go again...

This site was an amazing support and resource for me when I was going through my divorce. 

Fast forward 5 years, and here I am again. 33 year old single mom of 2 kids (my son 16 and daughter 7), trying to just get through each day as best I can. Dating is an adventure that is often depressing and not feeling very hopeful. I try to make all ends meet financially but am basically just getting by - doesn't help that my ex is thousands behind in child support. My house needs various things done and I don't either have the time, energy, experience, or money to do so. 

I've just been feeling a lot of negative emotions lately and don't have an outlet for them - and remembered this sanctuary. So here I am.

Lately I have been:

jealous - of those in healthy, happy relationships; my brother paying off all his student loans, happily married with no debt or children; those people who have all that energy and time to be fit and healthy.

angry - still hold on to anger towards my ex, usually I don't feel it, but occasionally it will rear it's ugly head. I'm angry that he doesn't do what he's supposed to financially, I'm angry that he was selfish and an asshole and led to events that brought me to this place in my life. I'm angry that he is remarried and doing things with her that he wouldn't with me - having weekly game/dinner parties with friends, being more involved. I'm angry that he is not a better dad to his kids, that they are not growing up with a good dad relationship. I'm angry that he was the one who cheated and lied yet I'm the one struggling still. 

regret - I don't regret leaving my ex specifically, but there are times I regret divorce. I wasn't happy and it wasn't a healthy relationship. But I still had someone to share the load of life with. 

low - I know that I am not some kind of sought out unicorn in the world of dating, my personality aside (which I like about myself), I'm a somewhat overweight, 33 year old divorced mom of 2. Minimal free time or expendable income. I also will not settle, so I've become more picky about guys I will actually spend time with. When I have met good guys I know I have become too much, because I get scared I'll lose them/it so I know I push things instead of taking it slow. 

This is not the life I planned. 

This is somewhat not the life I want.

I try to change things but basically just am staying afloat rather than getting ahead.