Here I go Again...

Here I go again.  Start of a new week and I was happy HE was home last week on vacation but now he's back at work and the start of being with her or being in her presence and texting, calling, and lunch, and "dessert" etc.  I am hysterical today.  I hate seeing him so happy cuz he has her and is trying to be the perfect dad in front of his family...someone must have told him to do all he can with them to make it look good in the courts.  Why can't I move on.  I look for that crumb he is throwing me...I need to grow a set of balls and get out of here but I cannot afford anything or I don't know where to go that is safe and take my kids out of their only home...only to share a room for all of us.  I am their mom and I feel like I doing a poor job of it.  I should be doing it all and I DO NOT want him near them...but I have no say...he is their dad.  What makes me more upset daily is the fact that when he leaves for work, they ask when he is going to be home or where's daddy.  I'm sure he will never get that when I am out.  They seem to gravitate toward him...only if they knew...maybe someday they will and I will get my revenge.  Only if they knew or can understand how this is killing me.  I am dying a little by little every day.  I see it cuz the crying does not stop.  In fact I think it's worse.  I was supposed to start work today but that is on hold for my new job.  I'm very apprehensive about full time but I have no choice anymore.  I'm sure they are or have talked about that now...and how happy they are that he will not have to be responsible for me.  I am stuck and cannot get out.  I don't know where to go anymore and I know I need to get out of here.  I wish I could afford a townhouse or something but even an apt is a stretch.  How will the kids take that?  This is NOT what I had in mind for them....me I can adjust but them...it's not fair to have them not live a good life.  Maybe they would be better off with him and I could wallow in my own misery, but I know I would miss them terribly which is why I even bothered at the beach.  They are my only source of relief, as sad as that may sound...only source.  Again, I don't know if being on here is a good thing or not...when all I do is cry when writing.  I have no family support right now.  Just wish my mom was kind enough and caring enough to give me a hug but I can't even get her to understand how I feel.  I can't get anyone to understand how desperate and black I feel.  The rollercoaster is unbearable.  Seeing him smile in my face while I have to hold it together makes me sick.