Here I go Again...
Here I go again. Start of a new week and I was happy HE was home last week on vacation but now he's back at work and the start of being with her or being in her presence and texting, calling, and lunch, and "dessert" etc. I am hysterical today. I hate seeing him so happy cuz he has her and is trying to be the perfect dad in front of his family...someone must have told him to do all he can with them to make it look good in the courts. Why can't I move on. I look for that crumb he is throwing me...I need to grow a set of balls and get out of here but I cannot afford anything or I don't know where to go that is safe and take my kids out of their only home...only to share a room for all of us. I am their mom and I feel like I doing a poor job of it. I should be doing it all and I DO NOT want him near them...but I have no say...he is their dad. What makes me more upset daily is the fact that when he leaves for work, they ask when he is going to be home or where's daddy. I'm sure he will never get that when I am out. They seem to gravitate toward him...only if they knew...maybe someday they will and I will get my revenge. Only if they knew or can understand how this is killing me. I am dying a little by little every day. I see it cuz the crying does not stop. In fact I think it's worse. I was supposed to start work today but that is on hold for my new job. I'm very apprehensive about full time but I have no choice anymore. I'm sure they are or have talked about that now...and how happy they are that he will not have to be responsible for me. I am stuck and cannot get out. I don't know where to go anymore and I know I need to get out of here. I wish I could afford a townhouse or something but even an apt is a stretch. How will the kids take that? This is NOT what I had in mind for them....me I can adjust but them...it's not fair to have them not live a good life. Maybe they would be better off with him and I could wallow in my own misery, but I know I would miss them terribly which is why I even bothered at the beach. They are my only source of relief, as sad as that may sound...only source. Again, I don't know if being on here is a good thing or not...when all I do is cry when writing. I have no family support right now. Just wish my mom was kind enough and caring enough to give me a hug but I can't even get her to understand how I feel. I can't get anyone to understand how desperate and black I feel. The rollercoaster is unbearable. Seeing him smile in my face while I have to hold it together makes me sick.
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Hey there...I messaged you but also wanted to comment here. Why should you have to move out of the home? He\'s the one committing adultery, make him move out. Seriously. My advice to you is as follows:
1) See a lawyer. Today. Find one that offers free consultation and find out your options. Do NOT let him know you are doing this.
2) Read Dr. James Dobson\'s book \"Love Must be Tough.\" I wish I had read it back before my STBX\'s latest affair started.
3) Stop worrying about their happiness. It is based on a fantasy, not reality. They are in love right now and everything seems great, but it is because they have no stress in their relationship. Once they have to start dealing with divorce, bills, blended/destroyed families, hurt children, falling out of that \"in love\" feeling, their relationship won\'t last because it will be based on lies and deceit. How are they going to deal with each other\'s baggage and everything else? Not to mention, neither one of them took the time to grieve the loss of their marriages before they dove into this. It will come back to haunt them.
4) Start thinking about what it will take to get this done - financially, logistically and mentally and start preparing for it. Taking care of YOU and YOUR boys is priority #1.
5) I would bet your sons WILL notice when you are gone. They may gravitate toward \"Daddy\" but one day they will be old enough to know the truth and they\'ll see him as a cheating pig that hurt their mother and they\'ll see you as a strong, proud role model. Every boy\'s first love is his mommy, remember that.
I wish I could think that they would think of being proud for their mom but I don\'t think that would happen. I think they would always stick by their dad and I just say nothing...absolutely nothing because I don\'t have the balls to do it because of the boys and his threats. I wish my dad would come down and kick his ass...has offered but I told him not to.
This is why I go round and round. I feel I\'m never ever going to get out of this rut. One day I feel like I\'m making so much progress and then 15 steps backwards.
Even if your state is \"no fault\" you should be recording those threats he makes. They could come to help you if he wants to get nasty in court. Just my advice.
I think one day you will see, those boys will be proud of you. They will hurt and be confused but one day, they need to know that it is NOT okay to treat women like the way he is treating you. I know that my Dad set a good example for me regarding relationships, unfortunately my STBX\'s parents did not do the same for her.
I know it seems you are just treading water and keep sinking a little for right now, but believe me, it does get better. Just keep asking yourself if this is the way you want to live your life. Do you want to spend the next 15 years or so with this man while the boys grow up, always wondering if he\'s with her or some other whore? Or do you want to get through all this pain, move on and find someone who will treat you the way you deserve? Your boys will get older and they will notice if your marriage is just \"there.\" It is better for them to see their parents apart but HAPPY (truly happy) rather than together and just going through the motions, always walking on egg shells.
But...I don\'t think I can be happy on either end...is it happy to be alone or is it happy to be with someone you\'ve been with and still love even though he treats you like crap. I know it\'s emotional abuse..I know that but I cannot seem to help it. They will resent me, I know that. And, when they ask everyday where Daddy is even when he is at work...I just break down. I will never be able to provide like he can for them financially. Never. And now that he\'s playing prodigal father...maybe I can\'t even provide them emotionally either.
llmt..... I have been where you are.... remember that.... Dad is right! He is very right! My boys are grown now and out on their own, and who do you think they still visit? Not their father..... When they got old enough, they figured out what happened (the oldest son was 8 when it happened and remembered allot)... anyway, please stop arguing with Dad... he is speaking the complete truth! Stop wallowing and kick his ass out! You keep the house and the kids!
You sure can. I believe that. I thought for months I couldn\'t live without her and that I would be lonely and miserable but I\'m NOT. I have the girls and I am happy even when they are with their mother. Sure, I wish I still had her here by my side but I also know that she\'d either be thinking of him or she\'d have moved on and had more ONS\'s. The thing is, he\'s gone, mentally. Physically, he\'s still there but he\'s moved on to the ho in his mind and you won\'t ever get 100% of him again.
Your boys may ask about their Daddy and that\'s only natural, but they would miss you too. As for the financial, no you probably can\'t match what he could do but he SHOULD have to provide for them, even if you aren\'t with him anymore. I had to fill out a \"discovery\" form for my divorce and when it asked me to list the amount of money I need to take care of these girls, I wasn\'t shy with the numbers. She ran out on me AND them (whether she agrees with that statement or not, she did) and she should have to provide for them just like she would if we were still together.
I thought I could only be happy with her but I know for a FACT I couldn\'t have gone on any longer like I did from December to March. Living hell wondering where she was, if she was screwing him on her lunch break every day, etc. Not worth it at all.
She\'s his problem now. Her moodiness, her baggage, her cheating...all things HE has to deal with, not me.
Gosh, I don\'t want anyone to think I\'m arguing with anyone. That\'s the problem...I need to get mad but again when I do...he just threatens me or gives me that look I hate and just sticks around because it\'s what I dont\' want. He just wants to make my life more miserable than it already is.
L - shut him out emotionally then. DON\'T let him get to you and DON\'T let him see you looking upset around him. Talk to him only about kids, house stuff and anything else essential to living together while he\'s there. Treat him like a business associate and he\'ll wonder what\'s up, even if he doesn\'t show it.
Only you can LET him make your life miserable. So don\'t let him.
You are starting to make progress if you know that you need to use that anger constructively. Now just find ways to do it through other outlets instead of letting him see or feel it.
It\'s hard not to be emotional when it comes to someone you love/loved at one time and have been with for 20 years. I know I\'m letting him do this to me..and believe me I DO NOT want to play the victim by any stretch of the imagination but I cannot help how I feel or know how to change it. He has been my life, my rock, my soul for 20 years and now it\'s been all taken away..not once but twice and I have been made a fool of. He, I believe, honestly does NOT care what he is doing to me or would have left or done something to rectify it. It\'s hard because we can talk about things like old friends, smile, etc. and then a wave comes over me where I don\'t even want to look at him and just go in my bedroom and hibernate.
I know...I gave up so much and forgave so much to stay with my W but in the end, she just wasn\'t giving in return what I was willing to give and she wasn\'t respecting me, our daughters or even herself by doing this.
Its okay for you to play the victim a little bit, because you are the victim...of their lies and pettiness. However, you can\'t wallow in it.
It is so hard to detach yourself but that\'s what you have to do. He may have been your rock but that rock is rolling downhill into a cesspool now and you don\'t want to be run over or stuck on the bottom of it when it crashes.