Here Goes Nothing
The idea to join a support group is completely new to me, but I'm encouraged by the posts I've seen so far and feel like this is definitely something I need. I've dealt with depression and anxiety for years, and have never seen a counselor. It's illogical, I know, but there's something about making myself vulnerable and talking about issues I have that I haven't been able to get past. This is the closest thing I've done so far. Baby steps, I guess.
Hmmm. Baby steps. Of course I would use that saying. Funny how when you want something you can't have, you see it everywhere. EVERYWHERE. Most of my friends have kids. Facebook is impossible to go on if I'm having a bad day. Honestly, it's a bad idea even if I'm not having a bad day. Every post is someone announcing their pregnancy, who just had a baby or who continuously post photos of their adorable kids. I want to be happy for them, but it's hard to get there. I feel guilty that I don't celebrate with them, but I can't fake it anymore either. We've been trying for two years, and it's infuriating to see people who aren't prepared, didn't plan, and in some cases are ill-equipped to have children, pop them out right and left. We're responsible, we're good people, I think we'll be great parents. Why do we have to go through this when it seems so easy for others?
Few people are sensitive to how difficult this has been for us over the last two years. I know they are trying to be encouraging, but I have a really hard time with people who continue to tell us to be positive. Ok, I get it. I shouldn't be negative because that will only make this process more difficult. But they don't know what this feels like. They don't know what it's like to be disappointed again and again. There's a certain level of self preservation that I feel like I have to maintain at this point to protect myself from more hurt. I find myself flat most of the time, with little that gets me really excited or really down. I don't know whether that's good or bad, but apathy seems to be my go-to coping mechanism right now.
Most days I feel like I'm handling this well. Some days I don't. Unfortunately, today is one of those days. The whole process seems daunting, and today I'm feeling especially lonely. I need to tell myself to take this one day at a time, because that's the only way I can get through this without completely losing my mind. So, bed now and start fresh tomorrow.
Hmmm. Baby steps. Of course I would use that saying. Funny how when you want something you can't have, you see it everywhere. EVERYWHERE. Most of my friends have kids. Facebook is impossible to go on if I'm having a bad day. Honestly, it's a bad idea even if I'm not having a bad day. Every post is someone announcing their pregnancy, who just had a baby or who continuously post photos of their adorable kids. I want to be happy for them, but it's hard to get there. I feel guilty that I don't celebrate with them, but I can't fake it anymore either. We've been trying for two years, and it's infuriating to see people who aren't prepared, didn't plan, and in some cases are ill-equipped to have children, pop them out right and left. We're responsible, we're good people, I think we'll be great parents. Why do we have to go through this when it seems so easy for others?
Few people are sensitive to how difficult this has been for us over the last two years. I know they are trying to be encouraging, but I have a really hard time with people who continue to tell us to be positive. Ok, I get it. I shouldn't be negative because that will only make this process more difficult. But they don't know what this feels like. They don't know what it's like to be disappointed again and again. There's a certain level of self preservation that I feel like I have to maintain at this point to protect myself from more hurt. I find myself flat most of the time, with little that gets me really excited or really down. I don't know whether that's good or bad, but apathy seems to be my go-to coping mechanism right now.
Most days I feel like I'm handling this well. Some days I don't. Unfortunately, today is one of those days. The whole process seems daunting, and today I'm feeling especially lonely. I need to tell myself to take this one day at a time, because that's the only way I can get through this without completely losing my mind. So, bed now and start fresh tomorrow.
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