Help! It is sooo hard to give up!

OMG I talk so big and brave! That is because I AM TRYING!!  I listen and read and try to apply all of the great advise I get from all of my sources but yet I did exactlloy what I knew I shouldn't do so I am back to square one again!!  Tony, the man I love more than me (obviously) wanted me to come over last night.  I knew I shouldn't go but I HAD TO! Tony is addicted to Xanax because of panic attacks and stupid doctors that left him to deal with his illness on his own.  Basically this allows him to NOT FEEL (joy or pain).  We had a wonderful year together buying and decorating a brand new home (never actually lived together but it was understood it was to be our home).  We had an arguement and separated for 6 weeks.  He and I missed eachother and got back together but it was never right again so the last 6 months I knew something was wrong and as he puts it "caused drama by being insecure". My insecurity was founded as it turns out during the 6 week breakup he let his ex come back around and she continued until I caught them.  She is a drunk that does everybody in town (internet chick). I'm not being mean, all true.  He even knows it as he took pictures for her to use to advertise herself on the websites!  Well last night was going well, we watched a movie had some laughs and some good lovin'. Then she called.  He told her he was busy with me and I heard her say, "OK Baby, I call later, Love you!".  I realized then, this friends with benefits thing was a bunch of crap and I was lowering myself to being no better than her.  Poor guy, I had a few drinks in me and it was on!! I looked him in the eye and said tell me you don't love me so I can get on with my life.  He said I can't do that!  I said tell me why you don't want me then.  He said I make him "FEEL" things he doesn't like to feel, like jealous, sad, guilty, etc...  OMG is this guy for real!?  I said hey genious that IS because you love me! He said being with the "other chick" doesn't make him feel anything.  And that is better, I asked? I told him he was a coward, selfish and lazy! I told him that the love he "FEELS" for me is even stronger than the drugs he takes not to feel! Hello!!  He said he was sorry a hundred times.  I told him he only said sorry to relieve his guilt, save it, it did nothing for my pain!! I told him I wanted to hate him and I was going to pray for the stregth to do that.  He begged me not to hate him.  I told him that to was for selfish reasons.  He had this booty call chick for three years before he sought me out and she was not enough then and won't be in the future! The only reason it seemed ok is because he had me too.  I try and try to give up!  I do all the things I preach about to others and yet this man still rules my world and won't let me go.  He told me he wasn't worthy of me.  I agreed but said you don't get to be the victim here!  I accepted you with your faults you threw that away! I am the one wronged by YOU!  I won't give him what he wants, to twist it into him being the poor little nobel one!  He told me he loves me enough to want me happy and that is why he wants to let me go.  I told him that was a crock of bull!! He was too lazy to make any effort so he would settle for easy!! (in more ways than one).  It is not that he is unworthy he chooses to be selfish and not step up so he will get what lazy gets!  He uses everyone for his own needs but he ran into a little problem while he was using me!  He fell in love and "FEELS" and he is scared to death and doesn't know what to do with that. He admitted as much and I told him I threaten his addiction, his one and only true love.  He said I was too smart, whatever, I choose him, not too bright!! When I left we were both in tears and I cried myself to sleep.  He called when I got home to make sure I was OK, yea right! I again asked him to just tell me he didn't love me (he lied before, why can't he do it now) told him I would disappear and he wouldn't have to "FEEL" anymore.  He said I can't tell you that!  I do love you! and again with the sorry!!  This morning I get a text "I am sorry for everything Have a happy and safe 4th Baby". WTF Again I told him sorry is to heal you, doesn't help my pain! Be Happy, yea right! Told him I can't be happy right now just to take the guilt away from you, my heart is broken! You should know you caused the pain and accept it like a man! He said my line about God having a plan.  I said God helps those that help themselves!!  I will pray for him to realize like I told him when he said I make him "FEEL THINGS", that is what humans do, they feel.  Not only pain but Joy too.  He thinks he can just keep hummmming along and avoid any ups or downs.  Too late, he LOVES ME. I am going to stay away snd do my best to give up but I still pray everyday.  The pain he feels will make him say enough to being numb and make the changes he needs to make.  I will stay in touch for several reasons, all self serving.  I like to let Ms. Thing know I am still around and she didn't chase me off, two if he ever does want to change and wants my support I will be there for him and I want him to continue to "FEEL" God knows I have felt enough!! He wants me to just go away and be happy so he is cleared!!  Not! Too easy for him.  Impossible it seems for me. HELP!!!! I was going to take my and my kids pictures off of his mantel when I left last night because I didn't want them put in the closet like he did when we broke up before.  He begged me to leave them!  I said how does "your girl feel about looking at them"  he said I don't care, he said he told her he wasn't taking my picture down just because she was there.  I said how sweet of you to treat her with such respect, you selfish ass and she is a dumb bitch to put up with it!  They deserve each other, I guess.  I still blame the drug and not him.  I know I need to quit making excuses for a selfish prick, but how??  I love him and he loves me, he is just too stupid, lazy and scared to know what to do with that.  I need my friends to keep me strong and moving forward.  He was my best friend or so I though so I feel really alone now!!