Help! I can't decide!
I haven't written in a while. This is a nice, but cold, Sunday morning where I am and I had peanut butter pancakes with the dogs. I've kept fairly busy with housework and friends lately. Sometimes the craving for J just overcomes me and I cry and don't want to go on. I am planning a memorial service for 5/14. This is hard because I was going through his pictures and it made me really sad to see his beautiful photography of our vacations and nature shots around here. He was so gifted and I feel the world lost a lot by his dying so young. I resent that he spent so much time at work - 60 hours a week many times. We were working so hard to save and would have been able to retire together in June. I have got a plan to have the memorial behind our house in a field but of course I have to make rain plans, which I have done. My friend who owns a restaurant in town will handle the catering afterwards and we can have ther service there. If we have it here I have to burn off a brush pile and rent chairs and a porta potty. It is confusing too because my sound guy will have to set up here or in town depending on weather. I am tempted to just schedule it in town but it could be so pretty here. I have to decide because I am making a memorial announcement for the service and I have to include location, etc. Also I feel that at four months in I can feel myself getting better but I also am stymied by decisions and complex planning that I used to be able to get through. I miss my mind. As for my Darling, I feel he is still with me helping me and reassuring me that it isn't permanent, it isn't so bad, yet at times I just meltdown. I miss his old, sweet, stubborn self. In general I am doing well. I know I can get through the memorial planning if I break it down into small components and just work each one or call somebody for help with each one. J always handles the technology here and I am getting better but stiill have a long way to go. Today I am grateful for:
a sunny day
peanut butter pancakes with the dogs
a lot of memorial planning done already
computers
DS community (You are the BEST)
enough money (I think)
a truck that runs
my health
I'm not working so I can sleep more
tea
friends and family
neighbors
I know that God will help me get through this
my Darling is still with me
I'll see him again and we'll share adventures!
house ( somewhat decrepit, but paid for)
"This too will pass," and "One Day at a Time"
Spring (if it ever warms up)
opportunity to grow, although I don't like it
a sunny day
peanut butter pancakes with the dogs
a lot of memorial planning done already
computers
DS community (You are the BEST)
enough money (I think)
a truck that runs
my health
I'm not working so I can sleep more
tea
friends and family
neighbors
I know that God will help me get through this
my Darling is still with me
I'll see him again and we'll share adventures!
house ( somewhat decrepit, but paid for)
"This too will pass," and "One Day at a Time"
Spring (if it ever warms up)
opportunity to grow, although I don't like it
Replies
In your grief, while planning the service, you are still reflecting on so many things you are thankful for...good for you. Some days are so hard for us. Thinking and praying for you, hugs Lu Ann
You are doing well. All your positive thoughts at the end of your journal posts are evidence of this. You will make the right decision about the memorial service. You must feel better since you don\'t have to work these days. Hugs - Doye
Thank you both. I think a lot of both of you having read a lot of your posts.
I have been planning my husband\'s memorial service for several months. It will be on Armed Forces Day, May 21. He had expressed a wish to have his ashes placed near his father\'s grave in another state. As he died in December and the location was freezing cold, I made the decision to have it in the Spring. I, too, have been sorting photos and notes and cards. It is hard, but also cathartic and I cry and laugh while doing it. I wish you well with your plans and know that it will all work out. Hugs. Fran
Good luck to you, Fran. I think we may have a beautiful day here, but I have been worrying too much about the plans. I need to do the footwork and let go of the outcome! I\'ll be thinking of you!