Help! I can't decide!

I haven't written in a while. This is a nice, but cold, Sunday morning where I am and I had peanut butter pancakes with the dogs. I've kept fairly busy with housework and friends lately. Sometimes the craving for J just overcomes me and I cry and don't want to go on. I am planning a memorial service for 5/14. This is hard because I was going through his pictures and it made me really sad to see his beautiful photography of our vacations and nature shots around here. He was so gifted and I feel the world lost a lot by his dying so young. I resent that he spent so much time at work - 60 hours a week many times. We were working so hard to save and would have been able to retire together in June. I have got a plan to have the memorial behind our house in a field but of course I have to make rain plans, which I have done. My friend who owns a restaurant in town will handle the catering afterwards and we can have ther service there.  If we have it here I have to burn off a brush pile and rent chairs and a porta potty. It is confusing too because my sound guy will have to set up here or in town depending on weather. I am tempted to just schedule it in town but it could be so pretty here. I have to decide because I am making a memorial announcement for the service and I have to include location, etc. Also I feel that at four months in I can feel myself getting better but I also am stymied by decisions and complex planning that I used to be able to get through. I miss my mind. As for my Darling, I feel he is still with me helping me and reassuring me that it isn't permanent, it isn't so bad, yet at times I just meltdown. I miss his old, sweet, stubborn self. In general I am doing well. I know I can get through the memorial planning if I break it down into small components and just work each one or call somebody for help with each one. J always handles the technology here and I am getting better but stiill have a long way to go. Today I am grateful for:
a sunny day
peanut butter pancakes with the dogs
a lot of memorial planning done already
computers
DS community (You are the BEST)
enough money (I think)
a truck that runs
my health
I'm not working so I can sleep more
tea
friends and family
neighbors
I know that God will help me get through this
my Darling is still with me
I'll see him again and we'll share adventures!
house ( somewhat decrepit, but paid for)
"This too will pass," and "One Day at a Time"
Spring (if it ever warms up)
opportunity to grow, although I don't like it