Hello to All
I just thought I'd stop back in and say hello to all. And, I am feeling so much better than before.
We have learned that my body is not ready to do without anti-depressant meds. We learned the hard way. After being weaned off them and taking my last pill in April, it was becoming apparent in June that depression was rearing its ugly head again. So, in a nut shell, I crashed and burned. My counselor and I refer to it as "going to hell".
The independence that has always been part of my make up is resurfacing again. My husband has been gone 2-1/2 years now, and I still miss and yearn for him. But, I have also learned that I don't want to be taken care of. I have learned that I can take care of myself. Although, when I need help, I do reach out and ask for it. I can't believe, that me, Jerseydebbie, actually owns a home and is running it solo. Do I get lonely, or the thought of being alone bother me? Yes. I would not lie about that. But as far as "alone", I keep remember that God walks with me daily. And, I do have my family and friends to spend time with or call, especially if I am having a bad day.
Basically, being a widow, and a month shy of 55, I have no choice but to learn to live independently and take care of myself and my needs. The alternative would be to cave, sell everything I have, and rent a room in one of my family member's homes. That, I can surely tell you, is not going to happen.
I also asked my counselor if because I am making myself live independently and caring for the responsibility of the home makes me crash and burn. Her answer was a firm "No.". She asked if I could remember how good I felt before I went to hell and I said yes. She asked why I went to hell. Because I was not taking the meds and they take a month to leave your system which is about correct in reaching the timetable that I was taking the dive. I guess you can all expect that I don't care if I take meds the rest of my life and see my precious counselor the rest of my life. I have been to hell 3 times in my life and it is not fun, nor a pretty sight. "Hell" is when you reach the point where you have no fight left in you and you want to end it all and go with God, simply because the depression has taken such a hold over you it is winning.
So, girls and guys, if you need anxiety meds and/or meds for depression, please take them. Don't feel weak, and don't feel ashamed.
I have also learned that the second year can be worse than the first, for the reality has set in that your spouse is in heaven, not coming back, and you are truly on your own with all of the responsibilities you once shared. It is scary, but I am following my mantra of just living for today, because I don't know what tomorrow will bring, or how I will feel a week or two from now, or if I will even be here. We don't know when our number is up, so when anyone tells you that you are young and have your whole life to live, just look them in the face and ask them if they "TRULY" know how long your life is going to be. Trust me, it is a real eye opener. Open mouth, insert foot.
I know what I had and I know what I lost. That is it, no more, no less.
I continue to visit from time to time, but have found that I cannot visit daily and read the threads. As much as I love to help others, at the present it really doesn't help me. But, I will stay in touch.
Love and kisses, Debbie
We have learned that my body is not ready to do without anti-depressant meds. We learned the hard way. After being weaned off them and taking my last pill in April, it was becoming apparent in June that depression was rearing its ugly head again. So, in a nut shell, I crashed and burned. My counselor and I refer to it as "going to hell".
The independence that has always been part of my make up is resurfacing again. My husband has been gone 2-1/2 years now, and I still miss and yearn for him. But, I have also learned that I don't want to be taken care of. I have learned that I can take care of myself. Although, when I need help, I do reach out and ask for it. I can't believe, that me, Jerseydebbie, actually owns a home and is running it solo. Do I get lonely, or the thought of being alone bother me? Yes. I would not lie about that. But as far as "alone", I keep remember that God walks with me daily. And, I do have my family and friends to spend time with or call, especially if I am having a bad day.
Basically, being a widow, and a month shy of 55, I have no choice but to learn to live independently and take care of myself and my needs. The alternative would be to cave, sell everything I have, and rent a room in one of my family member's homes. That, I can surely tell you, is not going to happen.
I also asked my counselor if because I am making myself live independently and caring for the responsibility of the home makes me crash and burn. Her answer was a firm "No.". She asked if I could remember how good I felt before I went to hell and I said yes. She asked why I went to hell. Because I was not taking the meds and they take a month to leave your system which is about correct in reaching the timetable that I was taking the dive. I guess you can all expect that I don't care if I take meds the rest of my life and see my precious counselor the rest of my life. I have been to hell 3 times in my life and it is not fun, nor a pretty sight. "Hell" is when you reach the point where you have no fight left in you and you want to end it all and go with God, simply because the depression has taken such a hold over you it is winning.
So, girls and guys, if you need anxiety meds and/or meds for depression, please take them. Don't feel weak, and don't feel ashamed.
I have also learned that the second year can be worse than the first, for the reality has set in that your spouse is in heaven, not coming back, and you are truly on your own with all of the responsibilities you once shared. It is scary, but I am following my mantra of just living for today, because I don't know what tomorrow will bring, or how I will feel a week or two from now, or if I will even be here. We don't know when our number is up, so when anyone tells you that you are young and have your whole life to live, just look them in the face and ask them if they "TRULY" know how long your life is going to be. Trust me, it is a real eye opener. Open mouth, insert foot.
I know what I had and I know what I lost. That is it, no more, no less.
I continue to visit from time to time, but have found that I cannot visit daily and read the threads. As much as I love to help others, at the present it really doesn't help me. But, I will stay in touch.
Love and kisses, Debbie
Replies
Glad you are on the mend.. Missed your regular post
Sally
Debbie,
I\'m so glad the depression isn\'t controlling your life, that you are controlling it. It\'s soooo good to hear that you are doing better. I\'m on meds for depression and as you have found, will probably be on them for the rest of my life. That\'s ok.
Leaving DS is not a bad thing. It means that you are beyond the need for the support that you found here. That\'s a good positive direction. When you need it, it will still be here. We all have to try to live again - what ever that means.
Many hugs to you,
Kathy
I was thinking about you and I am glad you took the time to write us and let us know how you are doing. Take care of yourself. I pray you find peace, joy and happiness. You are never alone. Hugs Edie
Sending you hugs, Jerseydebbie!!
I know what you mean about maintaining a home all by yourself. You are doing great! Hang on to the Lord and He will be faithful!!
Hugs, Linda
I\'ve always loved maintaining my home and buying little things to dress it up, or new sheets, towels, etc.
As for my meds, if they are a forever thing, that is just fine with me.
glad to see that you are feeling healthy, and don\'t forget that life will continue to happen for you, you have options, and they will always be yours to take or not. If others don\'t understand, it is for them to learn eventually, they are blissfully ignorant of what you are experiencing, and so be it.
Oddly, and lately, I have been feeling the old me, the real me, emerging. I\'m glad I have a counseling session today. I have so much to get out in 45 minutes it isn\'t funny.