Hello my Love

Good morning my love.  I am so tired.  I turned out the lights at 11 hoping that I might sleep tonight.  I had breakfast with Sis this morning.  Then I came straight home.  I've gained a couple of pounds and I figured that if I stopped by David's I might buy some chocolate or one of those nifty apple pies I'm hooked on. I am past due on my A1c and know better than to do it now. I answered one of Edna's e-mails that I’d missed. She & Dave might come for a visit in the spring. Nancy is coming out in April. Then I decided to try to work in your office.  Well, that did it.  I took a pill and kept busy at the financial computer until the pill kicked in and then tried your office again.  I got some things done. I threw out a few things.  It is just so damned hard.  Since you've been gone I've not listened to music very much.  I’m not even in touch with the Reinhardts or the rest of the band much. I didn't want to sleep with the TV on again tonight so I turned on my nature sounds machine.  Listened to rain for awhile with no success.  I finally decided to get out the MP3 player.  Started off with some meditation music.  Then King needed out.  Came back and plugged in Rod Stewart under artist.  He just now started Hot Legs & I find myself tapping my toes.  Not done that much in the past 7 months. Maybe once in the car to CCR. I know that displeases you.  You always said the world would be a very sad place without music. I know that you would be hurt thinking that I could no longer listen. I dusted your sax & clarinet cases today.  Dusted my piano.  What a waste.  I wish I knew what you like me to do with them.  I didn't open your cases.  When I move up to mom's maybe I will put out the stands and set them up now and then. Rod is bringing back some very important memories right now.  I dusted my hubcap the other day.  Brought tears to my eyes.  I truly believe that you spoiled me for any other man.  I am lonely but only for you. I will soon be 65 and just don’t think I want a man if it can’t be you. No one could compare & it wouldn’t be fair to anyone else. I would not mind having a friend to go places with but then I think of how we shared music & concerts ….. you were my music, my life, my soul. I think I’ll just wait out my time. Do some charity work. Be useful with my time left. I want to restore mom’s house. I was at a rock bottom place last week. Since then all three of the boys contacted me. I talked with Mike & Steve. Ken e-mailed me. Clarke & Norma called. God’s answer to my prayers. I wish they’d spread it out a little. I fear that I am now headed for a dry spell. Oh well, I need to spend the time on inventory & taxes. It’s almost 2AM now & maybe I will try again to go to sleep. I hope that I don’t have nightmares tonight. I walked through the bedroom at one point today & Dr. Oz happened to be on TV back here. Just as I hit the door I heard him say aneurism. Then did a gross demo & talked about the severe pain when they hit. I really didn’t need to hear any of that. At least your suffering did not last a long time. He talked about the vomiting. I know you did that in the helicopter. Then everything going dark. I wish I could have held you while you were still alert. I should have been with you to give you some small comfort. By the time I got to the hospital you were too far gone. King just got up and it is painful to watch. I think I need to get some more pain pills for him. I truly am rambling now. I am so tired. I must try to sleep. I suppose I will turn the TV back on & go to sleep. I don’t have very much “sleep music” on the player. I put your MP3 player along with a couple of your smaller things in a drawer of the CD/DVD cabinet you gave me a couple of years ago. You were always way too generous in your gifts to me. You were gift enough. You always treated me with so much love and respect. I NEVER had to doubt your love for me one minute. So many don’t know the kind of love that we shared. I know we still do. So blessed we are. Rod’s sax man is wailing now. I’ll never be able to sleep with this. Low volumn TV time. Sleep well my love. I hope I have sweet dreams of you tonight. I don’t dream often anymore. Last night I did & we were getting ready to move & we were actually looking forward to it. Where did that come from????   I love you & you know you still have my complete heart & soul. V