Hello my friends!
For some unknown reason I'm not receiving any FMO notifications. I go to this site, from time to time, and check my notifications for messages, hugs and journal posts. That's why I reply late. Sorry if I seem to not care, but modern technology has never been one of my strong points.
My life is okay, I am grateful to be a part of my daughter and granddaughter's lives! They love me and care about me unconditionally. Still I suffer with deep depression, and has become comfortable in my own little cucoon. I prefer being alone, because I find it very difficult to bond with people. Somehow I seem to attract people who talk non-stop, and are not interested in anything I have to say. It's been this way for most of my life. But last week I was notified that my late husband's youngest brother also has cancer, and then all the hurt and pain from the past came back again! I never could talk about my pain, but now I'm expected to once again listen and give my support. I am a horrible person, but I just can't do it!! Yes, I know I have to move on! Everybody tells me that. But I have tried, many times in many ways, only to be thrown back to where I was every time.
Sorry about my venting, but I just needed to talk to someone who will understand, and not just judge me.
Replies
Hello sweet friend.
I do think there was (or perhaps still are) some issues with notifications on this site. I've never chosen to receive them, so honestly I don't keep up with any problems surrounding notifications. I'm sure this is some TeamDS is working on however as they do seem to always be on top of things. Hopefully this will be resolved soon!
I think we all know absence from this site does not mean we no longer care about each other, it usually means we're just in need of taking care of ourselves or family in other ways for a while. There is never any judgement regarding who's posting or commenting and who isn't!! And surely no judgement regarding what any of us post! This is our safe place to say anything we need to say when we feel we simply can't say it anywhere else.
I'm so sorry you're not being heard by others as you need and deserve. It's so frustrating, and makes you feel deflated and unimportant. At least that's how it always makes me feel. I try to tell myself, "this is THEM...what they need...just be patient and listen"....but in the same moment I'm thinking, "but what about ME, what about what I need"!! This, along with everything in life, is about practicing balance I think. I CAN listen....and will. I also NEED to speak....and damn it, I WILL! Those who love me, truly, allow me to both offer and receive support, kindness, a listening ear and a helping hand. Those who refuse to allow a two way street don't remain in my circle very long.
I'm very sorry to hear about another battling this horrid disease!!! I HATE CANCER!!!! I've had a harder time "getting in the mud and the muck" with anyone battling C since losing Barbara. I care! I surely do! And I pray and I hope and I wish and I so desperately want everyone battling the disease to be cured of it. But I have a harder time being intimately involved. My favorite cousin's husband, Ralph, is battling right now. And though I LOVE him dearly, and I adore my Cuz, it's hard for me to do the "ugly" stuff....I just take food and talk about old times and watch TV with Ralph. No real serious conversations.
I think this whole "moving on" thing is an individual perspective, and the ONLY perspective that matters is the one who is being told to do so, not the tellers! I understand "them" saying it....and I understand "us" saying "it will never happen". For ME, Teri, my perspective about MY grief journey is I HAVE moved on. I am NOT finished moving on, but I HAVE MOVED! I am not where I was, nor will I ever be again. Yet my heart will ache for my child the rest of my human experience. That does not mean I haven't moved...it simply means I love and miss my kid!
I'm so glad you shared what's in your heart, and please never apologize for sharing, or venting, among your SOTH. We get it. And what we don't "get", we still can understand your hurting heart and we love you.
Deep breath, long exhale. Take care of YOU!
Big love and tight heart hugs,
Teri
DS seems to always have an issue or two to be working on so no worries here ever dearest friend and we just show up as we feel the nudge. The last thing you need to be concerned with is that anyone has an expectation; because if they do that's on them and most certainly not on you.
You are taking care of yourself and however that might look and feel is what it needs to BE for now, perhaps not forever, yet for now and it's all okay. YOU are NOT a horrible person for practicing self care and jumping off that hamster wheel of incessant thoughts making you feel any less than you are is a choice and one that I hope you will take. No one can ever tell us who we are but ourselves and if we cannot be counted on to become our own best cheerleaders and advocates then I don't know who can. It's time for YOU to be in your own corner and have your own back and only do what feels healing and nurturing for you. Case closed! :) Easier said than done, I know, yet something we can learn how to be intentional about and to do.
Gentle, gentle care and I'm grateful that your daughter and granddaughter are in your life as they are as what a gift you each are to one another.
Hand in hand, Heart to heart with ease dear one as navigating life in these earth suits is something we are all doing together.
Love to Colleen's mum from Douglas and me,
XO Joanie
I have had times of not being on DS--at least checking in on FB...and I have no one exact one reason why...I am caught up in life with all of its struggles and joys...sometimes I have nothing left to give, sometimes I am just too exhausted, other times I am regrouping both emotionally and physically, and other times I am in the moment with my "littles" and other family...it is just life continuing.
It is so wonderful that your daughter and your "little" are an large part of your life...they are what get me through, too.
I also have life experience with that horrid disease of CANCER. I was my father's caretaker through his battle with it and was with him when he transitioned. I took and accompanied a close friend through all his surgeries, chemo and radiation and then in the hospice facility until he peacefully passed. I assisted my friends as her husband passed away from brain cancer. And was also my mothers caretaker....I was honored to be there, but my reserves are not what they once were since Daren's passing and as I age myself.
This is just life (my version, anyway). So understand not having the capacity to deal with those that threaten our inner peace or heighten my anxiety/stress.
Gentle care,
AnnM
Andelene, you are not a horrible person at all! It’s hard to give and give especially when our reserves are taxed by our child’s passing, depression and just life in general. Be gentle on yourself. Maybe you can support your brother in law with encouraging notes and praying. We all can only do the best we can & it is ok to recognize when we just don’t have a lot to give. I have found since Eddie’s passing that I just don’t have the resources I once did.
I’m glad you have your daughter and granddaughter in your life.
Love to you and dearest Colleen, Linda
Andelene, I am so sorry to hear depression is keeping you down but am grateful that cocooning seems to help. We all have our triggers and our limits. About a month ago two different friends of mine lost family members on the same day under different circumstances. I felt so badly for them but knew full well that really there was nothing I could do for them but pray. (Many don’t believe but I pray anyway because it helps me). I did go into depression and had to cocoon for a bit. I realized once again that my reserves are not as good as I had hoped they would be. I do what I can, when I can, and that is all I can expect of myself. Sometimes moving on is just not possible depending on how the rest of my life is going. I will keep you in my prayers and hope you continue to rest in the unconditional love of your close family.
As far as notifications go - sometimes I get them, sometimes I don’t, sometimes I get them a month or two late. I have given up on them and just check in here when I feel able.
Sending much love,
Leda
Just keep moving and remember one day at a time. Sometimes i find it is best not to think of all the pressures we have in this journey. As I get older I really dont have the strength. Things work out as they will and I must cope with it anyway. I do try to keep some simple things in my life as the hard stuff is just too hard. I love gardening but the tree over our spot make it not viable now. So I tried patio pots. we will see how that works, lol!!! Sending you some peace today. Kathy