Hello Everyone-My story
Hello Everyone,
I found this sight this weekend. I have been on a couple other sights to try and find support and others to speak with who are dealing with the same issue as myself, gambling addiction. Many sites had very few current posts or primarily were focused on other addictions. I need more than that. I need communication daily right now.
My gambling has spanned over twenty plus years. Started small and of course progressively got worse. I could feel it getting worse but it didn't stop me. I know that I cannot continue my life down this destructive path. It will kill me one way or another. I feel this in my heart. My last major incident occurred March of 2016. I went to the casino (of course intending to stay 1 hr and play comps I had) but ended up staying 24 plus hours. No sleep and no food during that time. I just knew the big hit was coming. It never came. Cashed out 27 cents after depositing almost $4000 in the slot machine. I was devastated. I had ignored the numerous calls from my kids and my husband. I felt sick, low, disgusting, stupid and any other negative word you could imagine. The worst time for me for sure.
I walked out pathetic. I felt they all knew. They were waiting to hit my jackpot. I was so angry. I got in the car. Did the usual screaming at myself. Telling myself how pathetic and worthless I was. I was so anxious, driving with tears streaming down my face. Almost ran two stop signs with other vehicles coming. I didn't care and seriously thought that would be best for all. I did not want to face anyone, especially those waiting for me at home.
I called my husband. He just kept saying, "come home". My daughter said the same. That was the slowest ride I ever took on the interstate that day. I didn't want to reach that destination. There was no covering up this time. Everyone would "think" I had a problem. I had to get a plan in place to get these people off my back. That is what I thought that whole trip home.
Needless to say, I did get there. A few bits of change left in my purse. My husband and daughter were waiting. They were upset and had every right to be. They didn't yell though. They asked me to get help. I sat there that day and came clean about my gambling. I admitted my frequent trips to the casino. The unbelievable amounts of money I had put in the slots. I admitted I couldn't stop. Even with a win, 90% of the time it all went back in plus more. I also had to admit all this to my son. It killed me telling my kids this but I couldn't go on pretending. I needed help. I could not keep feeling like this. There had to be more to life. I KNEW THERE WAS MORE. I vowed that day to get help.
Since that day March 13th 2016, I have joined GA. I have also seen a counselor to help deal with issues I just have never wanted to deal with the right way. April 13th was 30 days. Wow it felt good. "Treated" myself to the casino. I intended to play my comps only. I had about $50 in cash and a couple credit cards. Had given up the debit card and I had no access to money in the bank. Well, spent $150 in comp, my $50, and $320 on my credit cards. I was there about 4hrs and left. The awful feelings returned very quickly.
This past week I have gorged myself with literature, read stories of others, watched a couple of movies about addiction. It is me. It is so me. I can't take away the relapse. I haven't been back there since. I can't do it. That is why I need this support group. I need to vent, I need to talk to others and I need to learn from those who have turned their lives around. I know there is hope!
So that is my story and what has brought me to where I am. Looking forward to chatting with others. Everyone have a good day!
I found this sight this weekend. I have been on a couple other sights to try and find support and others to speak with who are dealing with the same issue as myself, gambling addiction. Many sites had very few current posts or primarily were focused on other addictions. I need more than that. I need communication daily right now.
My gambling has spanned over twenty plus years. Started small and of course progressively got worse. I could feel it getting worse but it didn't stop me. I know that I cannot continue my life down this destructive path. It will kill me one way or another. I feel this in my heart. My last major incident occurred March of 2016. I went to the casino (of course intending to stay 1 hr and play comps I had) but ended up staying 24 plus hours. No sleep and no food during that time. I just knew the big hit was coming. It never came. Cashed out 27 cents after depositing almost $4000 in the slot machine. I was devastated. I had ignored the numerous calls from my kids and my husband. I felt sick, low, disgusting, stupid and any other negative word you could imagine. The worst time for me for sure.
I walked out pathetic. I felt they all knew. They were waiting to hit my jackpot. I was so angry. I got in the car. Did the usual screaming at myself. Telling myself how pathetic and worthless I was. I was so anxious, driving with tears streaming down my face. Almost ran two stop signs with other vehicles coming. I didn't care and seriously thought that would be best for all. I did not want to face anyone, especially those waiting for me at home.
I called my husband. He just kept saying, "come home". My daughter said the same. That was the slowest ride I ever took on the interstate that day. I didn't want to reach that destination. There was no covering up this time. Everyone would "think" I had a problem. I had to get a plan in place to get these people off my back. That is what I thought that whole trip home.
Needless to say, I did get there. A few bits of change left in my purse. My husband and daughter were waiting. They were upset and had every right to be. They didn't yell though. They asked me to get help. I sat there that day and came clean about my gambling. I admitted my frequent trips to the casino. The unbelievable amounts of money I had put in the slots. I admitted I couldn't stop. Even with a win, 90% of the time it all went back in plus more. I also had to admit all this to my son. It killed me telling my kids this but I couldn't go on pretending. I needed help. I could not keep feeling like this. There had to be more to life. I KNEW THERE WAS MORE. I vowed that day to get help.
Since that day March 13th 2016, I have joined GA. I have also seen a counselor to help deal with issues I just have never wanted to deal with the right way. April 13th was 30 days. Wow it felt good. "Treated" myself to the casino. I intended to play my comps only. I had about $50 in cash and a couple credit cards. Had given up the debit card and I had no access to money in the bank. Well, spent $150 in comp, my $50, and $320 on my credit cards. I was there about 4hrs and left. The awful feelings returned very quickly.
This past week I have gorged myself with literature, read stories of others, watched a couple of movies about addiction. It is me. It is so me. I can't take away the relapse. I haven't been back there since. I can't do it. That is why I need this support group. I need to vent, I need to talk to others and I need to learn from those who have turned their lives around. I know there is hope!
So that is my story and what has brought me to where I am. Looking forward to chatting with others. Everyone have a good day!
Replies
There are no words that will comfort your soul, I know... Gambling shatters our sprit and takes away all goodness we have. We become a liar, thieves and irrational, irresponsible human being. On top of that it break us emotionally, psychologically and financially. Our brain is always busy minuplating a one thing or the other. I was so sick of being who I was while gambling. So, I understand what you are going through... Hang in there my friend, one day at a time! You are worth it, you are so worth it!
Victoria
Thanks so much!