Hello Again
Hello Everyone,
I first came to this sight April 2016. Almost six years ago I wrote my first post. It was a time of crisis. I had once again done bad and had to show I was doing something. I will honestly say the stories of others was very touching to me. However, I admit I did not admit my story was quite as bad. In this messed up gambling mind I thought "I can do this on my own. I will be able to control this." All of you here with this same issue knows what happens next. But let me share.
I would stop long enough to to make myself think I had a clear head. Then I would start making a stop here and there. Then it seemed weekly and sometimes often more I would stop. Of course I only planned to stop and play my comps or just a little extra. Didn't happen. I pretty much dug a deep, dark, financial hole. I found myself staying up to 16-18 hours playing slots. To beat it all penny slots. I physically and mentally drained myself time after time after time.
So February 25, 2020 I had an event for work. A little get away. Several gals I work with enjoy gambling. We planned the evening at the casino. Being me, cool and calm and under control I thought, " I got this." I have never been honest with anyone other than my spouse about this problem. I never wanted anyone I work with to think I had an issue. So the plan is always play a while, have dinner, then play a little longer. So I took my money and I started playing at 3pm. Dinner came and went. I didn't even join the others because I could not leave this machine. I stayed there in that seat seat until 6am. Until evry dollar I could get access to was gone. I cashed out a ticket for 67 cents.
My thoughts immediately were "What do I do? How do I explain to my boss why I was there all night and that I am absolutely broke? Do I lie and just say I got it back? What do I tell my husband when I tell him not to use the checking account?" You all know exactly what I mean. Constant questioning in your head, hopelessness and anger.
So here I am. I have to have an outlet. I apologize not being fully honest. I can't control this on my own. I cannot fix myself. I don't want to continue a life like a rollacoaster ride. I am sick. I am comulsive. I cannot stop which means I cannot start again. I have my GA meetings which I am starting again. But I want this time to be different. I want to be honest. I took another step which is probably the most important and opened up to my boss. Yes, I admitted what has been happening in the last 30 years of my life. I explained I have have to get in treatment. I explained I will have to pass on future trips to casinos. She was wonderful, understanding and so encouraging. I still feel very ashamed. I have a lot of work to do ahead of me. But I have to save myself. I know deep down I am worth it and I deserve more.
So this is where I am, starting day one. I am scared and nervous. My life has been repeated failures when it comes to gambling. But I made it today. I wrote my feelings in my journal, spent time with grandbabies and thank God did not gamble. So to all of you, I humbly ask for our continued encouragement.
Replies
I’m 64 and became addicted to gambling in my 40’s, so I understand your pain. You were very brave to talk to your boss about this, way to go! I also had some gambling free periods where I felt like I could be in control, but it just got worse each time. This addiction has no cure, I’m sure you know that. So, by abstaining from gambling your doing the very best thing for yourself, Not gambling is the control I’m loving now. I don’t know if you’ve heard, or read that sometimes people say something just clicked, and it did for me, too. The funny thing is it keeps clicking! I’ve got 3 yrs. I’m so grateful and want more. The recovery road is bumpy, just like life. One day at a time, friend.
Thank you. I wish there were more active people on the site. But I am so grateful for your response. It helps greatly to speak to someone who understands. Have a blessed day.
Sometimes I can almost hear crickets chirping on our site, come out, come out wherever you are. You and I are here and that’s what matters today.
I woke up this morning and reread your journal and my response. I had a similar situation as your gal getaway approximately 4-5 yrs ago. Family was in town, I live in Las Vegas. Of course they wanted to go play in the casinos and I felt exactly the way you did “I got this”, I was wrong. My family members weren’t glued to any one machine; they were visiting and laughing with each other while checking out the casino, the restaurants, etc, all while I was stuck to a machine. They had to actually look for me more than once, and when they would find me I’d find an excuse to slip away to find another machine, hoping they would leave me alone. I felt ridiculous, I seriously couldn’t understand how they could be so nonchalant, I was even thinking ‘who plays a few nickels and walks away? They couldn’t believe the amount I was betting. I believe I was actively feeding my addiction at that particular time, but it was still top secret. I didn’t want my family to know I was gambling again. The visiting family is actually my stepfamily on my dads side, my dad wasn’t there because he died long before this visit. I was anxious about seeing them, too many bad memories. There’s so much addiction in that family that I was pretty sure they’d be glued to machines, too. They weren’t and that surprised me. Was it peer pressure. No.
Becoming complacent is my biggest fear because it has always been my downfall. It’s true, I cannot gamble. There is no shame in not gambling. My husband doesn’t gamble because he thinks of it as a waste of money., it’s his choice, and that’s all there is to it. He knows I can’t gamble, he’s known it through most of our 20 year relationship. Today I’m grateful he doesn’t gamble. He’s not very understanding when it comes to addictions, but he is a good example of someone who just chooses not to. There was a time I wished he would gamble with me, we wouldn’t be together today if he had.
Welcome back showgirl, I am not as active as I used to be on this site but am still here regularly. Day one is the most important day, it is the day you decide to do something different. Your story has many similarities to my own. I gambled really since childhood. There was pinball and dime tosses at the carnival, and church raffles and bingo and my mother taught us to play "31" and a gambling gambling card game called Tripoli by the time I was 7. At 21 I was already gambling more than I wanted to and spending more time than I really wanted to but my system of denial was far stronger than the little voice that didn't like what I was doing. In my 30s and 40s I made several attempts at stopping on my own with a variety of methods without real success. I went to treatment in my 5os twice and bailed out for one "reason" or another before being earnest. Not until my behavior become criminal was I able to make abstinence a priority. I had managed to string together almost 5 years of abstinence when I relapsed last Sept 5. Because of blocks I had in place I could not completely drain my money and because I had enjoyed most of the previous 5 years of abstinence----> life without chaos, I was able to get myself back to my gambling addiction counselor and begin making a better relapse prevention plan. I have more blocks in place now on my money and now working with a different kind of counselor addressing many of the underlying issues and reasons for my "escape" gambling. (Depression, PTSD, OCD, Anxiety) All of my friends know I don't gamble now, my most intimate friends know I had a slip in September. (SLIP= Sobriety Lost Its Priority)
Everyone does not have to know everything. But I am willing to be open and honest with anyone who asks me for help or needs support to get this monkey off their back. As George Carlin once said about addiction, (similar to complacency), " just 'cuz that monkey is off your back doesn't mean the circus has left town".
It really can be far better, this life, gamble - free. I won't be gambling today, I am cheering you on snowgirl. Be sure to include in your journal the things you are grateful for, like those grand babies, a roof, mobility, that you did not drive yourself to worse deeds and have not burned every bridge.
Thank you both your posts. We all live different lives but we share so much in the experiences that we have had related to gambling. Happy to say I have not gambled in four days. I have found some GA meetings that I will be able to attend. That is my next step. This is a forever work in progress and I know that. But I know the work will be worth it. I am 56 years old. Many years I have wasted. I plan to change that. Robin the way you described the issue with your family at the casino is EXACTLY how I was feeling. In those gambling moments all I want is to be left alone. And of course to hide from those who might think there is a problem. Not a way to live and those feelings you experience are just awful. My mind just races as I loose more and more. I hate those feelings and the remorse and shame after. Today is good though. Like I said four days no gambling. Going to get my two year old grand daughter for the day. She is my true joy in life and my inspiration to make my life better. Again thank you ladies for sharing and plan to chat more. have a wonderful day!
Yer welcome, snowgirl
I’ve got four granddaughters, 2 from my son 10 & 13, and 2 from my daughter 2 & 5, they are 4 of my life lines. I’m going to say I ONLY have 3 years of recovery, I say this because I know the reality is I actually ONLY have today. I love spoiling my grand babies, I always have, it’s just that these days I’m feeling the true joy in focusing on them.
I’m so grateful you’re here sharing.