Hello Again :)
SO. It's been forever and a day sicne I"ve been on this wonderful site to talk to all my girls. I've been working very hard on myself and some of that hard work payed off, some didn't. Regardless, I recently started thinking about my priorities, and what things deserve my time and what thnigs don't. I've been neglecting DS and the strong, amazing friendships I've made, and for that I"m truly sorry. I've decided that this is one of the things that needs to be made into a priority. So I'm going to try to start coming back on here regularly. This site helps me so much more than the otehr negative shit I've been devoting my precious time to. So a brief (okay, maybe not so brief) summation of what I've been up to. Surprisingly, eating issues havent plagued me at all in the past month or so. I hope I'll still be welcome in the eating disorder community despite that fact that I'm not strugglnig right now, because soem of my best friends are on there and I'd love to be able to offer support to those having a hard time, because s you all know, I've been there. I have been restrict/purge free as of September 16th, 2008, and that is one thing I am very proud of. However, I have been struggling very much with cutting and depression. I am more depressed than ever before. I am often sad and hopeless, and I get anxious a lot too, wondering what my lfei will become. I'm very sad to asy this because I feel awful being so cowardly, bu I have become mildy suicidal, without taking active steps to carry anythnig out. There is so much I don't understand, and it gets far too ovcerwhelming at times. I didn't get actual parts in any of the plays, and literally everybody else did, which I was confused about. I didn't think I Was that bad. And I also didn't make it into A Cappella group, which is student run, meaning the other students get to decide who gets in. I feel cheated out of my chance to shine. I know I sound like a whiney brat, but I feel like things are so political with them. Like, it's based partly on talent, but also on your name, an who you are. This one girl, Jill, who I'd m,entioned before, I know for a fact is not better than me at singing, but her brother was a legend in the Drama Company, and therefore she got into the A Cappella group. I struggle with staying optimistic and getting thru it alive. It makes me exhausted and nervous to talk about, so I'm gonna cut off there. But I'll be back. And I want you all to know you mean more to me than all other trivial things in my life. Thank you, And I love you.
Replies
Im so happy your eating issues have been taken care of. good for you. i dont know how you did it and i don\'t really care how, im just glad you did. (didnt mean for that to sound bitchy)
If im gonna say anything its this: stop being so damn hard on yourself. you will get no where in life with that. you know it. So its a cappela group, there will be other chances. don\'t beat your self up now, your way to young.
if you seriously think you will try and hurt yourself, please tell someone. your far too important for any of that.
hang in there. love ya dear.
I\'m so happy you have been restrict/purge free!!! sorry about your struggles with the political-ness of the plays. I have heard you sing... and know you are fantastic!!!
Oh darling, I wish I could give you a big hug. I am so proud of you for your feats with ED, but I feel sorrowful for your battle with the depression demon and the negativity. I know how painful depression can be, but I know you can pull through. We are all here for you and love you heaps. Keep strong and hang in there!
School wasn\'t a good time for me. But if you just hang on it\'ll be over and you never have to deal with high school again or any school unless you want to. Talk to ur doc about the depression...good job with the Ed! Keep it up, and this IS a support group so even if you are better, you can be there for those who are not and tell them how you overcame situations.
I think it\'s great that you are doing better ed wise, but I think since you no longer turn to restricting/purging as an outlet you have turned to cutting and depression. Maybe see a psycologist and see if you can be put on an anti depressant. I think if you\'re not depressed you won\'t want to cut.
Can you do some kind of drama/singing group outside of school? When you try to do something school related and you don\'t get what you want you get very hurt by it. I think you need to do something outside of school where the people don\'t know you and they have a chance to get to know you.
welcome back!!!
i think u dont even realise how far you\'ve come and how strong you are!!!!! if i were u- i would read ur journal through someone elses eyes and you will see the real strength and courage that you do have. i think ur honesty, and acceptance of where ur holding is so amazing! im here.... hope u know that. message me anytime!!! im so glad ur back and hope we really get a chance to catch up!
i have mis u girl.I\'m proud of u for eating and not puringing if u ever feel like cutting plz come to us, u r always welcome we love u alot.
I am so super proud of you on the ed front girl! That is so great! But I am so sorry that these people are failing to acknowlege your greatness. High school is such a time of judgement and popularity. Once you get out of high school it will all go away! Promise! And then you will have an equal oppurtunity to shine! I love you!