Heartbroken
After 27 years, and after ive gone through a shoulder and brain surgery, 3 years ago, which caused some odd mental side effects, husband now decides to tell me that he doesn't love me anymore. And that he hasn't been able to deal with all my emotional ups and downs,(I have ADD and bipolar2) for the past 10 years, and now after the surgeries, he's not sure he can "deal" with me anymore. 10 years of not saying a word to me about how he's been feeling! !! Our relationship wasn't great, he did ignore me, by always keeping himself busy, and not showing much interest in what I was doing, but there were times things were great, and we did things together. I tried so many times to talk to him about our marriage and the lack of communications. It usually ended with me apologizing for something and him saying "I'll try to do better". He would for a time but then go back to his usual stuff. I got depressed, thinking I wasn't doing enough. Which in turn made me not do much of anything. Last year he started spending a lot of time with a new female band member. Said he really loved her voice. Started asking her if she would come over and sing some of the songs he had been writing. (Which i had no idea he had written) And started treating her better than he did me. I protested this emotional affair, and he blew up at me, saying i was imaging everything, and i needed help. Things got bad, but finally after the two of them couldn't take my interfering with their music collaborating, she left the band. And I continued to be scolded for it. "I hope your happy now". My still being in shock of everything, I kept trying to see about reconciliation. He kept saying, if i could improve on my emotional stabiliy he would feel maybe he could do something. But no guarentees, cuz he just doesnt love me like that anymore and not sure if its ever possible again. And maybe a divorce would be preferred. Wow, happy new!! So now I'm feeling rejected, got my heart ripped out, by someone I still love, but not so much anymore. My world is complicated so a quick divorce out, will be difficult. But I can't seem to fully get over this heartache, and rejection feeling. I cry a lot .
Replies
I feel for you, you have a lot going on, and a good deal of it beyond your control to do anything about. Living with ADD and BP2 I'm sure is debilitating enough for you, not to mention the effect it has on a loved one. Your husband maybe could be a little more understanding, however, having said that his attitude towards you may have waned over time as your illness has gotten progressively worse. I feel sad for you both. I wish I had some useful advice for you, sadly at this point I have nothing apart from the usual take care of yourself.
I'm firmly of the view that when another falls out of love with you is when you begin falling in love with yourself. When my ex stopped loving me I took it upon myself to start loving myself with the good news ultimately being, I have never been more loved than, love of self IS the greatest love of all. I have been single for seven years and, have no desire for it to be any different to.
I wasn't diagnosed until I was 40, 14 years after we were married. I think my emotional state went haywire, when I moved in with him freshly divorced, 2 kids, live in mother, house he grew up in as well as the house he had been living in with his ex, the 3 years prior, the ex down the street, walking distance for the girls, ex wasn't good at keeping to the joint custody schedule. (I ended up taking the younger one to practices when "mom had a headache" I'd go get her at her mom's bring her to practice and then back to her moms) wasn't crazy about living in a more city like environment. House had no yard. Parking was on the street. And I was only 26 at the time. What was I thinking. My husband just told me 2 weeks ago, that when he asked me to marry him, he thought I was the type of person that wasn't going to need to depend on him for anything. He didn't like his ex having to depend on him. You know this would have been good info to know up front. Not 27 years later. But how can you have a marriage without having to depend on each other? Boggles the mind. So I thing over time the regular stressful emotions got mixed in with the disorders, making them worse in the process. And his lack of personal feelings feedback of any kind certainly didn't help matters. My attempts at trying to work on things, he took as emotional burst or just hormones. I worked hard helping to raise his kids, bare and grin the recluse ever present, doing her own thing live in mother-in-law. I said before we were married that I didn't want to stay living in that house. Year after year excuse after excuse for 11 years. I deserve a metal for all that, plus having to deal with the ex, half the time on my own. But it's no wonder I went into a deep depression and gained 60lbs. Then fought my way out, with no help from him. We finally did move out to a more country setting. 2acres. Things got better for awhile until I lost my job, and had my first big surgery. LG cyst and ovary taken out. Again he couldn't handle the emotional stuff, so back inside himself he went. Like the others I can't believe I put up with and dealt with all that for so long. Cuz, that was 10 years ago. A lot more has happened since. So yah, husbands pretty much toast at this point. Just have to make it through the eclipse, Yellowstone trip, and then we can part ways. He thinks we're still on the fence. We had a talk a month ago.and he said he still wanted time to make up his mind. I gave him the name of a councilor, And told him I needed an answer before we leave on this trip. And it looks like he's going to stick to the usual "don't say anything unless I have to" routine. Dick head. Other than now, going next week to a neurologist to see if the b surgery side effects are permanent or not, my stress level in the mid to high levels all the time. I'm amazed that I'm better than I was last year. I'm doing what I do best persistently, surviving. Well that was extremely long. Other thing I'm awesome at, procrastination. I have the world to do, but I don't have the energy to do it. Now hubbies home and ...oh well. And no worries about not knowing what to say, I mean what can I even say. Other than like you, just keep taking care of me the best I can. I don't know your story, but hang in there. And keep being good to yourself.
And you are how old?