Heartbreaking day

Yesterday was a very rough day for me.  My son called me to tell me that he had his dad's password for him email and he gave it to me.  I went to my husband's email and I started crying because I realize that he is no longer here with me.  When he went into a coma I used to write to him telling him how I felt hoping that someday he  would wake up and read them.  When he passed away I kept writing to him asking him to answer me back from heaven or ask God to let him use a phone to call me back.  I didn't know what to do I just wanted him back or hear his voice.  I started reading the emails that I had sent to him and the emotions and pain of the previous months started coming back to mind.  I cried the rest of the day remembering what he was like before he got sick and the good times we had.  I just wanted to hear him call my name or watch a movie with him.  I miss him so much.  Later in the night my son came downstairs and asked me to call his friend whose mom had just passed away because she was sad.  I called her and we started sharing our pain.  I don't know where my words or strenght were coming from but I was able to tell her that her mom is with her and that she loves her and that we need to think that they are in a better place.  Her mom was battling cancer for two years.  She passed away a week after my husband.  I spoke to her about DS and told her to encourage her dad to come to the site and for her to see if they have one for kids that have lost their parents.  I told her that the pain will be there and only time will help us accept what happen.  I keep looking for my husband all around the house.  I still smell his clothes that are in the closet and I just found out that my son does the same thing.  My heart is aching because I want to be there for my kids but I am also hurting a lot.  I talk a lot to my son and we try to remember beautiful things about my husband.  We laugh at some of the silly thing he would say when we make certain mistakes or make some silly comment.  I love my husband and I am happy about the time we spent together and the love we shared.  My daughter made a comment the other day she said "Mom there are couples that are married and live longer but will never be able to know or share the love that you and my dad had together.  I was so proud to talk about the love that my parents had and how they were always there for one another.  I hope the day I get married I can be just like you guys"  My kids understood how much we love each other and know the pain that I am going through.  They loved their dad and miss him as much.  He was a great husband, father, brother, uncle, cousin and friend.  I just want one more chance to tell him how much I love him and how much I miss him.  I hope someday God gives me the opportunity to tell him all of this.  It is so difficult to lie down in my bed seeing his side of the bed empty and knowing that he will never be there again.  I walk into my room hoping to see him again.  I talk to him all day long and let him know that I love him.  I still ask why did this happen but at the same time I know that he was in pain and God want him to stop suffering.  He was God's child and it was a loan to me and now God want his child back and he saw his child suffering and decided that he could not bear to see him that way.  He decided that he want him up there with him healthy.  My husband is now an angel in heaven taking care of us from there.  I ask God to please take care of him for me until I get to go meet him.  I ask God to please have my husband at the gate waiting for me with his arms wide open.  I miss him and I need to be good to be able to see him someday.  I love him him and I miss him.  I have to find time to send out the thank you cards for those who visited him at the hospital and those who attended the funeral and I cannot get myself to doing it.  I have to get the strenght to do no matter how painful it is.  I love you Carlos and I miss you so much come in my dreams please and let me know you are okey.  I need to know that you are okey and are happy where you are.  Take care of yourself and please visit me.  Love you always.